Universities To Suffer Spending Cuts

Universities have warned that government cuts to the higher education budget means that thousands of students could lose out on a university place.

The Labour government, however, claims that universities are ‘elitist’ for still, despite 12 years of a Labour government, insisting on a certain level of academic ability both in selecting undergraduates and in awarding degrees without regard to the socio-economic background of those students.

A government spokesman said:

Actually, if it wasn’t for the fact that so many academics are Labour voters, especially at the former polytechnics, then we would have closed down the universities years ago.

Quite frankly, this anti-equality and elitist attitude of universities where they only award degrees for so-called academic ability has to stop. There is no place in a Labour 21^st Century for such unfair inequalities to exist. That is why we are looking at ways of phasing out universities altogether, and instead looking at awarding degrees based on how long a student’s immediate family have been on benefits, with those from officially-recognised minorities automatically being awarded higher degrees, right up to and including a doctorate, without all this tedious, expensive and elitist mucking about with having to bother going to an actual university.

By the end of the next decade of this, the Glorious People’s Labour Government, we envisage that getting a first-class honours degree, or even a doctorate, should be no more complex than booking a holiday over the internet, providing, of course, the student fulfils all the necessary diversity and equality criteria to be awarded that degree.

In response a spokeswoman from the Conservative party said:

Whilst we agree with this current government that in the present economic climate – which is obviously all the Labour government’s fault – that the country can no longer afford to continually expand the higher education sector, we do not feel that awarding degrees to students based solely on their deprived backgrounds is not the correct way to take this country forward into the 21^st Century, especially when most of our voters are from the middle-classes, for whom a university degree for their children is an absolutely essential requirement.

Therefore, building on the idea of an educational voucher system, we will allow people to claim a university degree for themselves or their children with points from their supermarket loyalty cards, with obviously the more points one accumulates, the better the degree.

Naturally, as most of the people who get a degree in future will end up working for one of the larger supermarkets – as they will be the only jobs available – the supermarkets are all quite keen on this idea, even suggesting that for those with two or more children, the supermarkets could offer ‘two for the price of one’ degree deals.

However, a spokesman for the Liberal Democrats pointed out that:

Whilst the Conservative idea is good in theory, the downmarket supermarkets do not have loyalty card schemes, which means that the Tory plans will do nothing to make society fairer.

Under our Liberal Democratic party education policy plans, though…. Hang on… where are you going… don’t you want to hear about our education policies…? Oh, come on… It’ll only take a minute… I promise I’ll be brief…. I’ll buy you a pint afterwards, promise…. Hang on…! Please! Hang o… Oh, right… forgot which party I was in for a minute, there. Ok. Bye!