Ignite Books: David Hadley

Ignite Books: David Hadley: This is the first longer work I've read from David Hadley and it gave me a lot of chuckles! Juggling Balls Amazon .com  Juggling ...

Ignite Books: David Hadley

Ignite Books: David Hadley: This is the first longer work I've read from David Hadley and it gave me a lot of chuckles! Juggling Balls Amazon .com  Juggling ...

Something for the Weekend – Free Kindle Humour: Sex, Pies and Sticky Tape

Sex, Pies and Sticky Tape

Free for the next five days here(UK) or here(US)

Here we are back, once again, in Little Frigging in the Wold: England’s most perverse, erotic and excitingly-moist village, for some more tales of rural life, with more adventures and tales featuring Grand Uncle Stagnant, Old Feebletrousers, Strom Thighhammer, the cake shop manageress and many more of Little Frigging’s residents. 

This book includes over one hundred stories involving inter-village competitive orgies, the erotic use of foodstuffs, how to extract as much money from tourists as possible, the naked pogo-stick steeplechase, mid-air and deep-sea perversions, the use of the fetish unicycle, medieval woodland perversions, the erotic use of cardigans, achieving match fitness in an inter-village orgy squad, accountancy fetish night in the village hall, and – of course – the best way of sellotaping a Cornish pasty to an assistant librarian for erotic purposes and much, much more.

Sex, Pies and Sticky Tape

Free for the next five days here(UK) or here(US)

Some comments on David Hadley’s writing:

“Wonderfully weird.”

“brilliantly funny story. I love it.”

“good god, I haven’t laughed so much in ages. “

“very funny, I had a good laugh at this story”

“Clever, and very funny.”

“really funny, had a right good old laugh at this

story.”

“This made me laugh so much, tears came into my eyes….”

“I just sprayed barely masticated tomato all over my keyboard from laughing too hard”

“highly creative and hilarious as always”

“lol this is so funny.”

“another one of yours I truly enjoyed, “Old Feebletrousers” love it!”

“This is a very funny story, it made me laugh.”

“Absolutely brilliant. Thank you”

“This piece produced a lot of giggles!”

“Yep! This was a real funny piece, it had me laughing….”

Sex, Pies and Sticky Tape

Free for the next five days here(UK) or here(US)

Sign up to the David Hadley – Author Mailing list to receive news about new releases, special offers, forthcoming titles and much more.

[Books by David Hadley are available here (UK) or here (US).]

New Kindle Novel Out Now: Juggling Balls

Juggling Balls available here(UK) or here(US)

Special Low Launch Price: £0.77/$0.99

Martin Laws hates mysteries. 

So why has someone sent him a bag of juggling balls? 

Why has he no memory of buying a new computer?

Why has that new computer decided Martin needs to go shopping?

Why does a hairstylist he's never met before keep saluting him?

Most of all, why are so many Elvis impersonators trying to kill him?

Juggling Balls - a science fiction comedy featuring time travel, mind control implants and a future religion that claims an Elvis Presley clone as its saviour. 

Oh, and an interplanetary terraced house.

Juggling Balls available here(UK) or here(US)

Special Low Launch Price: £0.77/$0.99

[Other Books by David Hadley are available here (UK) or here (US).]

Something for the Weekend - Free Kindle Humour: The Theory of Car Parks

The Theory of Car Parks

Available FREE for the next 5 days for the Kindle:

Here (UK) or Here (US)

The title piece of this great new collection features an historical appreciation of the great car park theorist; Heinrich Von Rectangle, his life, work and tragic untimely end.

In over a hundred other essays, a wide variety of subjects of interest and fascination to the modern reader are also discussed:

Such as:

The latest the latest European Union Working Time Directives .and how they relate to the employment circumstances of the undead.

In science, the ramifications of the Biscuit Tin Event Horizon are explored in an attempt to aid our understanding of the physical forces that make biscuits, pies and other such foodstuffs irresistible.

There is also some very exciting research with throws new light on the development and history of the spoon.

This book also features a report on the new TV phenomenon taking the world by storm that is Live Celebrity Woodworking.

Along with:

An appreciation and celebration of the cult film: 2030: A Lingerie Odyssey which featured the world’s first lingerie-wearing supercomputer.

An essay celebrating the Victorian inventor who famously developed Spadgecock’s Wildfowl Distractor.

A look forward to what will undoubtedly be this year’s film of the year: The Penguin Always Eats Omelettes.

An appreciation of on of the forgotten classics of Romantic poetry in: Ode to a Stickleback and Romanticism.

A study of the role played by the British army’s use of camouflage pastry to bring about the end of the First World War.

Along with articles and pieces on other similar fascinating subjects, such as: Full-Frontal Cookery, The Great Cheese Conspiracies, International Celebrity Underwater Cheese Grating, The Sensual Arts of the Secret Accountancy Sect, The Unauthorised Use of a Banjo, Post-War Extreme Sports and much, much more.

Available FREE for the next 5 days for the Kindle:

Here (UK) or Here (US)

Some Reader Comments:

I think I just broke all my vital organs laughing”

“oh my god….I just about died laughing reading this…it’s genius! Pure genius! Especially the bit about the fluffy particle…too funny.”

“This made me laugh so much, tears came into my eyes….”

“this really made me laugh. I shall never look at a cup of tea in the same way again.”

“Brilliant! Made me howl…”

“highly creative and hilarious as always”

“lol this is so funny.”

“on the one hand I’m so glad I decided to read the rest of this collection (funniest thing I’ve read in a LONG time) but on the other hand I wish I hadn’t done it during dinner as I just sprayed barely masticated tomato all over my keyboard from laughing too hard”

“good god, I haven’t laughed so much in ages. “

“very funny, I had a good laugh at this story”

“Clever, and very funny.”

Available FREE for the next 5 days for the Kindle:

Here (UK) or Here (US)

Something for the Weekend – Free Kindle Ebook – Sex, Pies and Sticky Tape

Sex, Pies and Sticky Tape

Available here (UK) and here (US) free for the Kindle for the next five days.

Here we are back, once again, in Little Frigging in the Wold: England’s most perverse, erotic and excitingly-moist village, for some more tales of rural life, with more adventures and tales featuring Grand Uncle Stagnant, Old Feebletrousers, Strom Thighhammer, the cake shop manageress and many more of Little Frigging’s residents.
This book includes over one hundred stories involving inter-village competitive orgies, the erotic use of foodstuffs, how to extract as much money from tourists as possible, the naked pogo-stick steeplechase, mid-air and deep-sea perversions, the use of the fetish unicycle, medieval woodland perversions, the erotic use of cardigans, achieving match fitness in an inter-village orgy squad, accountancy fetish night in the village hall, and – of course – the best way of sellotaping a Cornish pasty to an assistant librarian for erotic purposes and much, much more.

This book free for the next five days only

Available here (UK) and here (US) free for the Kindle for the next five days:

Some comments on David Hadley’s writing:
“Wonderfully weird.”
“brilliantly funny story. I love it.”
“good god, I haven’t laughed so much in ages. “
“very funny, I had a good laugh at this story”
“Clever, and very funny.”
“really funny, had a right good old laugh at this
story.”
“This made me laugh so much, tears came into my eyes….”
“I just sprayed barely masticated tomato all over my keyboard from laughing too hard”
“highly creative and hilarious as always”
“lol this is so funny.”
“another one of yours I truly enjoyed, “Old Feebletrousers” love it!”
“This is a very funny story, it made me laugh.”
“Absolutely brilliant. Thank you”
“This piece produced a lot of giggles!”
“Yep! This was a real funny piece, it had me laughing….”

Available here (UK) and here (US) free for the Kindle for the next five days

The Perils of Celebrity

Spangle Trimphone became world-famous little more than five years or so ago now. Surprisingly enough, it was not her record-breaking score on the then latest quiz show phenomenon Name That Cheese! ™ that gave her this coveted celebrity status. That did initially demonstrate her rare intelligence when she successfully identified a rather tricky Sage Derby hidden under a tiger in a dense jungle. However, it was more that as she danced around the studio in victory it became increasing apparent she had mislaid her underwear before appearing on the show.

After that, it was increasingly obvious that Trimphone’s real talent lay not in naming cheeses, despite the inherent mass appeal of such an ability in the entertainment world. It became increasingly apparent her true mass appeal lay in her ability – or rather her inability to remember to wear any underwear when out in public.

Soon Trimphone was so famous that she didn’t need to go to any hip happening club, party or award-ceremony as other celebrities do. All she had to do was when getting out of a car – anywhere on the planet – jump up and down a bit until every photographer there had enough photographs of her lack of underwear, and then Trimphone could go home.

However, her fame turned fleeting when a jealous ex-lover revealed that at home, Trimphone always wore underwear. He clamed too that sometimes she strutted around at home even without any other clothes to cover the underwear up. He claimed too that Trimphone had accounts with some of the world’s most exclusive lingerie retailers in the world and had more pairs of knickers than the entire female population of Ipswich put together.

Not only that, her fall from grace was complete when a tabloid newspaper revealed that she didn’t even like cheese. A disgusted populace turned away from her in droves. Soon she had no choice but to return in defeat to the tawdry comedy quiz show circuit to earn the minimum necessary for her to remain a celebrity, despite her fall from grace.

 

[Books by David Hadley are available here (UK) or here (US)]

Something for the Weekend: Free Short Story – Twisting the Night Away

[Twisting the Night Away - Free for the next five days - here (UK) or here (US)]

Twisting the Night Away

(Short story – 5,000 words approx.)

If you want to get an ex-girlfriend back, what could be a better way of impressing her than a magic carpet ride through the night to a romantic evening together in some alternate dimension?

[Twisting the Night Away - Free for the next five days - here (UK) or here (US)]

[…]

I looked at my hands, they didn’t look that powerful. I had trouble opening a new jam jar with them, let alone creating a world out of nothing.

Morgan took my right hand in his, holding it just below the wrist. ‘Relax,’ he said.

I tried to relax as he manoeuvred my arm around, outlining some weird shape in the cold night air.

I felt something in the air change, as though the air around us had grown thick and heavy, then an instant later the feeling was gone. He jerked my hand back with a short sharp tug and let my arm drop.

‘Ah…’ he said.

The duck quacked.

Up until then there had been only the two of us standing up on the cold damp roof.

Now there was the two of us… and a duck.

The weather may have been suitable for ducks, but the duck itself seemed far from happy. It quacked and stared up at us.

‘That….’ Morgan said. ‘That doesn’t usually happen.’

I was staring at my hand. It had done a lot of things that hand, sometimes some very strange things, but this was the first time it had produced a duck out of thin air. I didn’t know how I expected my hand to look different, just that I was disappointed it didn’t.

Meanwhile, Morgan was walking around the duck with the cautious air of someone half-expecting the waterfowl to explode. He glanced up at me, keeping half an eye on the duck ‘It’s definitely a duck,’ he said.

I raised my eyebrows….

‘Sometimes a duck is not a duck,’ Morgan said with a tone to his voice that suggested his caution about the possibility of the duck exploding was based on some personal experience.

I took a step back. ‘What are we going to do with it?’ I said, watching the duck carefully. ‘Can’t we send it back?’

Morgan looked at me. ‘Back where?’

‘Back where it came from?’

‘Do you know where it came from?’

‘No… I thought….’

Morgan raised a hand, while he stroked his chin with the other. ‘Tony,’ he said in a universe-weary sounding voice. ‘It is not that simple.’

‘Oh….’ I said, knowing it wouldn’t be…. Nothing ever is.

Morgan stepped back from the duck and moved his hand in a gesture that seemed to slip sideways out of this universe and into some other place.

The duck looked at him. ‘Quack?’

‘Bugger…,’ Morgan said. ‘I thought that might be it.’

[…]

[Twisting the Night Away -

Free for the next five days - here (UK) or here (US)]

Something for the Weekend - Free Kindle Humour: Grand Uncle Stagnant and the Summer of Love

Grand Uncle Stagnant and the Summer of Love

Available now here (UK) or here (US)

Yet more outpourings and ejaculations from Norbert Trouser-Quandary's notably upstanding organ, featuring more tales of the doings and goings-on in that most delightfully perverted of England’s rural villages: Little Frigging in the Wold.

This volume of tales from Little Frigging features the adventures of Grand Uncle Stagnant back in the summer of love where he hears about the concept of free love and – almost immediately – stops issuing invoices.

Other tales in this volume detail the history of the Hot Strumpets on Wheels service, the uses of high visibility fetish gear, Little Frigging in the Wold – the computer game, the appendage of a hands-free pole-vaulter, pancakes and perversions and the Great Fire of Little Frigging.

Grand Uncle Stagnant and the Summer of Love also contains many other intriguing events and happenings from the village and its environs, including the erotic use of the toolshed as well as pointers on the tactical subtleties of the Inter-Village Orgy match and much, much more.

Grand Uncle Stagnant and the Summer of Love

Available now here (UK) or here (US)

Further collections of tales from Little Frigging in the Wold can be found in: Little Frigging in the Wold and Sex, Pies and Sticky Tape.

Grand Uncle Stagnant and the Summer of Love

Available now here (UK) or here (US)

Some comments on David Hadley's writing:
“I think I just broke all my vital organs laughing”
“another one of yours I truly enjoyed, “Old Feebletrousers” love it!”
“Loved this piece. Very funny and energetic….”
“funny stuff!”
“that was brilliant!”
“on the one hand I’m so glad I decided to read the rest of this collection (funniest thing I’ve read in a LONG time) but on the other hand I wish I hadn’t done it during dinner as I just sprayed barely masticated tomato all over my keyboard from laughing too hard”

Grand Uncle Stagnant and the Summer of Love

Available now here (UK) or here (US)

Something for the Weekend - Free Kindle Humour: Choosing Headgear for Penguins

Choosing Headgear for Penguins

Available FREE for the next 5 days: here (UK) or here (US)

No doubt you have been wondering over the years about what is the most suitable hat for the various breeds of penguin: such as a deerstalker for the King penguins, or whether emperor penguins should wear a top hat.

Perhaps you have also wondered if Napoleon wore a basque under his uniform at the battle of Waterloo and the role that lingerie played in history.
Maybe you have long puzzled over the role of the Stilton cavalry in the English Cheese war.

Possibly you may have pondered who was The Greatest Prime Minister Great Britain Never Had, or who was The Fastest Jelly Baby Diversity Co-Ordinator In The West.

You could have even puzzled over The Fabled Lost Source of the Pork Scratching.
Choosing Headgear for Penguins is the book that answers all of these and many other questions you’ve never thought of asking as well as much, much more about such diverse topics as: Celebrity Extreme Gardening, Eroticism and the Intellectuals, People Staring At Walls, Raiders Of The Lost Car Park, The Latest Celebrity Sex Scandal, The UK’s Leading Adult Film Male Superstar and Weasel Defusing.

Available FREE for the next 5 days: here (UK) or here (US)

Some comments on David Hadley's humour pieces:

"Bloody Hilarious!"
"The hamsters of doom. Dammit, that's poetry. Well done"
"oh my god....I just about died laughing reading this...it's genius! Pure genius! Especially the bit about the fluffy particle...too funny."
"This made me laugh so much, tears came into my eyes...."
"I just sprayed barely masticated tomato all over my keyboard from laughing too hard"
"this really made me laugh. I shall never look at a cup of tea in the same way again."
"Brilliant! made me howl..."
"I think I just broke all my vital organs laughing"

Available FREE for the next 5 days: here (UK) or here (US)

Something for the Weekend - Free Kindle Humour: The Sexiest Elbows I'd Ever Seen

 

The Sexiest Elbows I'd Ever Seen

Available FREE for five days here (UK) or here (US)

Extract:

[….]

Twelve hours later, just as the TV station covering the event live went to an advertising break, there was an unearthly scream from the AntenDec beast as it stood on the tapioca-ignoring table, stripped off its clothing and dived heads-first into the now stone-cold tapioca dish on its left before smearing the contents of its other tapioca dish over its genitalia as it got up and strode towards the female celebrity judge, licking its lips and demanding perverse sexual favours, there and then, live on the auditorium stage.

Fortunately, the AntenDec’s keepers were able to throw one of their restraining nets over the rampaging creature before it got too close to the judge. They sedated it and took it away in a wheelbarrow back to its cage ready for the long journey back to the Geordie wilderness where it made its home.

This meant that Plenitude and I were through to the final.

That night we celebrated alone together in my hotel room, with Plenitude dipping those sexy elbows of hers in the champagne, they had presented to us for winning the semi-final, for me to lick off as she did that special thing she did with the castanets and the Shrewsbury & Telford A-Z Street Atlas.

[….]

Product Description

When we first met she was Emeritus Professor of Post-Colonial Marmalade at the University of Ffestiniog, and she had the sexiest elbows I had ever seen. We met at the Annual Ffestiniog Tapioca-Ignoring Convention, back in the late summer of ’83. At the time neither of us had a Tapioca-Ignoring partner, so naturally – once we found our handicaps were compatible – we teamed up for that autumn’s preliminary Tapioca-Ignoring Cup rounds. Of course, with both of us being amateurs we never expected to get to the finals.

Her name was Plenitude Cleavage and she came from the Welsh valleys, in fact she had quite a Welsh valley herself, never in my experience had I ever seen such a splendid example of nominative determinism in a woman’s body before
[....]

So begins one of the greatest love stories of our age told here for the first time in ebook form for the Kindle.

This collection also contains several other stories of equal import, such as:
'Shropshire Smith and the Temple of Vegetables'. A tale of adventure and excitement within a forgotten temple of one of the world's oldest forgotten civilisations.

'The Famed Vegetable Killer of Grimsby'. Murder most foul.
'The Dancing Sex Nuns of the Tenth Quadrant'. A story of one of the great mysteries of the far future.

'The man with the Golden Cheese Baguette'. The tale of Britain's greatest spy and his attempt to thwart an evil genius with plans for world domination.

'The Thing Falling Out of the Sky Incident'. Some claim there are aliens out there, waiting to invade Earth. Some say this has already happened.

Plus other stories, such as: 'Feeling Betrayed', 'The Aftermath', 'The Perfect Woman' and others the like of which you will never have read before.

 

The Sexiest Elbows I'd Ever Seen

Available FREE for five days here (UK) or here (US)

New Kindle Book Out Now: Grand Uncle Stagnant and the Summer of Love

Grand Uncle Stagnant and the Summer of Love

Available now here (UK) or here (US)

Yet more outpourings and ejaculations from Norbert Trouser-Quandary's notably upstanding organ, featuring more tales of the doings and goings-on in that most delightfully perverted of England’s rural villages: Little Frigging in the Wold.
This volume of tales from Little Frigging features the adventures of Grand Uncle Stagnant back in the summer of love where he hears about the concept of free love and – almost immediately – stops issuing invoices.
Other tales in this volume detail the history of the Hot Strumpets on Wheels service, the uses of high visibility fetish gear, Little Frigging in the Wold – the computer game, the appendage of a hands-free pole-vaulter, pancakes and perversions and the Great Fire of Little Frigging. Grand Uncle Stagnant and the Summer of Love also contains many other intriguing events and happenings from the village and its environs, including the erotic use of the toolshed as well as pointers on the tactical subtleties of the Inter-Village Orgy match and much, much more.

Grand Uncle Stagnant and the Summer of Love

Available now here (UK) or here (US)

Further collections of tales from Little Frigging in the Wold can be found in: Little Frigging in the Wold and Sex, Pies and Sticky Tape.

Some comments on David Hadley's writing:
“I think I just broke all my vital organs laughing”
“another one of yours I truly enjoyed, “Old Feebletrousers” love it!”
“Loved this piece. Very funny and energetic….”
“funny stuff!”
“that was brilliant!”
“on the one hand I’m so glad I decided to read the rest of this collection (funniest thing I’ve read in a LONG time) but on the other hand I wish I hadn’t done it during dinner as I just sprayed barely masticated tomato all over my keyboard from laughing too hard”

Grand Uncle Stagnant and the Summer of Love

Available now here (UK) or here (US)

Certain Seasonal Rituals

So, what if you are standing to attention and clutching your ceremonial dibber in readiness? No matter how eager you are, there are still certain formalities necessary before you are allowed into the garden shed to perform that annual ritual that we of the Noble Order long for and yearn for all through the drear dark days of the winter.

Still, at least the massed ranks of the ukulele orchestra have now finished admiring each others instruments and have formed up just to the left of the water feature that has – at long last – thawed out and resumed its desultory trickle, while the weeds once more provide ample shelter for the garden's quite considerable – for its size – crop of slugs.

However, some of the neighbours once again are looking on askance with fear and dread, each haunted by the prospect of the forthcoming ceremonial unveiling of the woman from number 32's rather inadequate bikini when the first rays of the sun are deemed warm enough for her to remove the dressing gown that seems to have been the only item of formal day wear she has been seen in since the clocks were put back last year.

Anyway, you know that somewhere deep in the dark heart of the shed lies what was once – so optimistically – called the lawnmower, a collection of mechanical disasters held together now mostly by garden twine, and tangled up in what seems like a breeding nest of superfluous electrical leads that may – one day – come in handy and a collection of gardening tools no-one has any idea how to use – apart from using them to massacre slugs.

Still, at least the rain has held off, long enough for the orchestra to begin the overture, and so, as they begin to play, you stand tall and proud, ready to march into the deep unknown that is the garden shed.

England's Greatest Detective

The inter-war years saw the rise of the great detective. When a mysterious death took place at some country house, it was often one of these detectives who would be called upon, often by a baffled police force, to come to everyone's aid and solve the murder.

The greatest of these detectives was, of course, Benjy the Duck, quite possibly the greatest crime-detecting waterfowl in the history of the world. It has always been well-known that ducks are amongst the best crime fighters in the world. Many sheriffs in the American Old West were – for instance – ducks, geese and in Dodge City, of course, a swan: the legendary Six-Gun Half-cock, known as the fastest draw in the west, able to put a bullet in the dead centre of a playing card at a hundred paces and able to outdraw some of the meanest gunfighters of the West.

However, Benjy was a completely different type of waterfowl, from one of the oldest Mallard families in the UK with their own river, he had graduated with a quadruple First at Oxford, as well as being captain of both the rowing and the punting teams, known for his first class mind and a very gentlemanly quack.

These days, of course, Benjy's most famous case remains The Mystery of Tosser Manor.

In those days, the aristocratic Tosser family was well-known throughout England. Often, the cry of 'Oh, look there goes another one of those rich Tossers' could be heard whenever they ventured outside the grounds of their Manor. However, when the body of the heir to the Tosser title, Wrist Tosser, was found in the drawing room of the Manor, Benjy the duck was called in by a baffled local police force.

The body of Wrist had been found by his father, Absolute Tosser, riddled with shotgun pellets, next to the family's faithful old retainer, the butler, Smegma, who was at the time, according to Absolute, holding a smoking shotgun.

Through the use of brilliant detective work, Benjy was able to prove – to the satisfaction of a jury at the Old Bailey – that Wrist had, in fact been killed by his own sister, Coin, who had been having a long-running affair with the family's under-housemaid. It was – of course – a great scandal in those days for a woman to have a lesbian relationship with anyone who was not an ex-school-chum, let alone someone from the servant class. Consequently Coin was desperate to keep the affair secret and was distraught when Wrist caught Coin and the under housemaid naked and dancing the Charleston, in a horizontal position, together.

At the trial, Benjy proved that Coin was outside the room's open window at the time, allegedly shooting peasants, and it was her, not Smegma, that fired the fatal shot, promising the butler certain undisclosed sexual favours if he would hold her gun for a moment whilst she changed for dinner.

Smegma, of course, later confessed that he'd always dreamed of the Lady Coin helping him to polish his decanters and so was more than willing to aid her.

Case solved, Benjy the duck went on to solve even greater and more mysterious crimes as his career progressed, some of which may be revealed here at some later date*.

 

*But probably not.

The Failures of Democracy

Of course, democracy does have a lot of problems, but by far its biggest drawback is that it does tend to cause politicians. In the past, this was not so much of a problem as it has since become as the proliferation of the media does seem to have enabled politicians to escape their natural habitats of government legislative assemblies and local council chambers to spread out amongst the population in general, infecting almost everyone without natural immunity with the belief that something must be done and politicians should be the ones to do that thing – whatever it is.

There was a time during the post 1960s global naivety outbreak when some of the more hopelessly naïve claimed that everything is politics. However, we now know that almost nothing is politics and that that is politics should be eradicated before the infection spreads to otherwise normal people.

In the past, this was achieved by keeping politicians away from normal people, who could be left to get on with things while the politicians bickered amongst themselves and – occasionally – with the opposing parties in order to find out the most expensive way of making things worse. Now, though, through the media, and other such carriers of the political infection it seems that politicians are everywhere and multiplying at an alarming rate.

But, what makes it worse is that as the number of politicians increases so does the number of things that they believe are any of their business. There hardly, these days, exists any sphere of activity that has not got some politicians or others sniffing around it trying to find some way of infecting it with legislation that will create the ideal habitat for the breeding of yet more politicians.

Of course, we all take the usual precautions of hygienically disposing of election leaflets as soon as they come through the door, and of turning the TV off when party political broadcasts appear. Unfortunately, however, this is no longer enough as politics worms itself into more and more of our daily lives.

Some did hope, in the past, that the sheer incompetence of politicians would – ultimately – bring about their own downfall through some form of natural selection. But, such is the widespread nature of the political infection now, it has caused some evolutionary scientists to question the whole idea of survival of the fittest, developing a new theory of the survival of the incompetent, claiming that once a certain level of politics infects a society it becomes self-sustaining and almost impossible to eradicate.

However, we must never give up the fight, or one day – horror of horrors – we may see our own children or grandchildren themselves infected with this deadly and debilitating disease, thus bringing about the end of humanity as we know it.

Rule Britannia

Still, it was lucky we happen to live in a country where – it seems – there are so many people who think they know what’s best for us, so we could – quite easily – have all those troublesome decisions about how to live our lives taken for us whilst we sat down to see if there was – for once – anything good on the telly.

Perhaps, I mused later, as the remote control surfed its increasingly weary way up through all those mysterious shopping channels that sell everything no-one has ever wanted to buy, that this is why the country is in the state it is in. After all, during my formative years it was generally agreed that Britain had the finest TV in the world. So, we as a country got used to sitting around and leaving the rest of it all to those who liked to interfere.

Now, though, well….

Perhaps it is too late; perhaps we left them all alone too long; let them have it all their own way for too long. Perhaps we will never be able to grab control back, especially as the TV watching habit has now become far too ingrained, despite the quality of the programmes declining to such a pitifully low standard that, these days, even some American TV is better than the home-grown stuff.

Still, though, all is not lost. We can still do a decent computer game every now and then. Not up to the standard of Manic Miner, Lemmings, Sensible Soccer and Elite, but still far better than going outside and discovering what is really going on out there.

Technological Innovation

It was not quite what we were expecting, even so, some of the more recondite attachments hint at a world of possibility yet unexplored through this medium of the humble domestic appliance.

Still, having said that it does seem to need recharging every ten minutes or so, or five minutes if the GPS function is enabled, which does seem to somewhat mitigate its claims to be portable, especially as you are advised to employ the optional three Sherpas needed to carry it, at - what seems to the casual user - a somewhat rather high annual fee, as well as the cost of the yak's milk needed to keep the Sherpas in tip-top form.

This does tend to make the GPS function rather surplus to requirements as you can never get far enough away from familiar ground - without it running out of power - to get lost, for even the most geographically-challenged do tend to know where the other end of their own street is... more or less.

As for the attachment for getting the stones out of horse's hooves – the manufacturer's claim this is mostly to maintain backwards compatibility with the Swiss army knife, is these days little more than a conversation piece – that is if you are ever unfortunate enough to be trapped into a conversation with someone who takes an interest in such obscure attachments.

Still, though, the integrated hand whisk/TV remote does turn out to be of more use than we first expected, even though it does have rather an annoying habit of changing channels to QVC whenever the user attempts to whisk up a Yorkshire pudding mix.

However, the manufacturers have said they will be bringing out a hotfix for this in the next firmware update which should resolve the problem, as well as the device's tendency to emit an ultrasonic beep that annoys all dogs within a twelve-mile radius which can be somewhat dangerous, especially if you are halfway home from the butchers with a pound of sausages at the time. Although, it did give me a chance to test both the pedometer function and the stopwatch to prove I broke my personal best for the 200 metres, although we did – tragically – lose one of the Sherpas to the slavering pack of hounds.

Fortunately, though, the device was still under guarantee and so the Sherpa was replaced at no extra cost.

The Great British Tradition

Then there were several of them, all spread out against the sky like... well, lots of things all spread out. Now, perhaps the place where your regular hat-hanging ceremony take place is not so well-blessed as this, but it is a sight almost guaranteed to be noticed... sometimes.

Still, back in the day, or at least getting on for early afternoon on that day, there would come a time when they all began together and, on finding the bit in the greyness of a typical British day they would find which bit of that grey was the sky and then spread out against it.

It was a sight to stir the very cockles of the heart, to make every free-born Englishman stand proud - and his wife to look down and remember when she could stir him to such excitement – if ever – and wish for the days of yore to return to these benighted islands.

For, if there is one thing that made this country great, if there was one thing that separated the true Briton from the rest of humanity and from foreign parts, it was the British person's – seemingly-innate – ability to see some other British person standing somewhere and with that great British instinct go and stand behind them.

For there is no greater sight than the British people – no matter what their ancestry - getting together to stand behind one-another in that great British tradition of the queue. For it goes without saying that when ever there are two or more British people gathered together they will – by nature – line up behind each other, no matter whether or not there is actually anything there to queue for, they will still form one.

Some may mock, but many of us believe it is the queue that made Britain great and – we hope – that one day this great British institution will once-more form an orderly line that spans the globe.

Jet Packs… or Not

This is the future… now. There were – we were told – meant to be jet packs.

Where are they?

How could a world, once so in love with the future, get it al so wrong?

Where are the robots?

There was a sense, back then, back when the future as a concept was invented that it would be a place of wonder, or progress, of marvels… and jet packs.

Instead, we have this… this so ordinary world.

Still it could have been worse. We could be eating pills off plates, or be at war with the robots.

Think though… we could be lucky.

Think this: drunks… with jet packs, so, every night at closing time, pissed-up blokes wanting a fight because you spilt their bird or stared at their pint… all fighting while wearing jet packs.

Coming home with the shopping with a jet pack and the shopping bags doing what they do and spontaneously biodegrading whist still full of shopping… at a hundred feet up in the air.

Think of this… jet packs and the bureaucratic mind. The health and safety would be a nightmare. It would probably be illegal to go any higher than six inches off the ground without encasing yourself in ludicrous amounts of safety gear.

Then – of course – jet packs and sex… in flight.

It may be an idea to invest in umbrella shares, and to buy a hat… just in case.

Something for the Weekend - Free Kindle Humour: The Sexiest Elbows I'd Ever Seen

 

The Sexiest Elbows I'd Ever Seen

Available FREE this weekend here (UK) or here (US)

Extract:

[….]

Twelve hours later, just as the TV station covering the event live went to an advertising break, there was an unearthly scream from the AntenDec beast as it stood on the tapioca-ignoring table, stripped off its clothing and dived heads-first into the now stone-cold tapioca dish on its left before smearing the contents of its other tapioca dish over its genitalia as it got up and strode towards the female celebrity judge, licking its lips and demanding perverse sexual favours, there and then, live on the auditorium stage.

Fortunately, the AntenDec’s keepers were able to throw one of their restraining nets over the rampaging creature before it got too close to the judge. They sedated it and took it away in a wheelbarrow back to its cage ready for the long journey back to the Geordie wilderness where it made its home.

This meant that Plenitude and I were through to the final.

That night we celebrated alone together in my hotel room, with Plenitude dipping those sexy elbows of hers in the champagne, they had presented to us for winning the semi-final, for me to lick off as she did that special thing she did with the castanets and the Shrewsbury & Telford A-Z Street Atlas.

[….]

Product Description

When we first met she was Emeritus Professor of Post-Colonial Marmalade at the University of Ffestiniog, and she had the sexiest elbows I had ever seen. We met at the Annual Ffestiniog Tapioca-Ignoring Convention, back in the late summer of ’83. At the time neither of us had a Tapioca-Ignoring partner, so naturally – once we found our handicaps were compatible – we teamed up for that autumn’s preliminary Tapioca-Ignoring Cup rounds. Of course, with both of us being amateurs we never expected to get to the finals.

Her name was Plenitude Cleavage and she came from the Welsh valleys, in fact she had quite a Welsh valley herself, never in my experience had I ever seen such a splendid example of nominative determinism in a woman’s body before
[....]

So, begins one of the greatest love stories of our age told here for the first time in ebook form for the Kindle.

This collection also contains several other stories of equal import, such as:
'Shropshire Smith and the Temple of Vegetables'. A tale of adventure and excitement within a forgotten temple of one of the world's oldest forgotten civilisations.

'The Famed Vegetable Killer of Grimsby'. Murder most foul.

'The Dancing Sex Nuns of the Tenth Quadrant'. A story of one of the great mysteries of the far future.

'The man with the Golden Cheese Baguette'. The tale of Britain's greatest spy and his attempt to thwart an evil genius with plans for world domination.

'The Thing Falling Out of the Sky Incident'. Some claim there are aliens out there, waiting to invade Earth. Some say this has already happened.

Plus other stories, such as: 'Feeling Betrayed', 'The Aftermath', 'The Perfect Woman' and others the like of which you will never have read before.

The Sexiest Elbows I'd Ever Seen

Available FREE this weekend here (UK) or here (US)