Science And Maths Teaching Needs Improvement

An independent report by the Science and Learning Expert Group has suggested that the teaching of science and maths in the UK needs to be improved quite significantly.

However, a spokesman for the government’s rather tweely-named Department for Children, Schools and Families, said:

Regarding the teaching of maths, could I just point out that with – according to current government statistics - over a hundred and ninety-twelve per cent of pupils getting an A* in A Level maths, it is easy to see that this government’s education policy has been very successful in that regard.

However, as for science as you well know if we meddle too much in the mysteries of how the world works then the sky gods will get angry with us and rain fire down on us, and no-one in my government department wants to see that happen, especially as it may contravene several EU directives.

The departmental spokesmen then distributed copies of the Labour government’s current A level science syllabus which, in part, states that:

• Pupils reaching A level standard should be able to discuss confidently just which of the magic sky gods made us, and how they created the whole universe during their holy tea break, using actual quotations from the relevant Holy book.
• They should also be able to discuss, with the aid of diagrams, the complexities of the global weather system, how evil capitalism causes climate change. They should also be able to perform competently a rain dance to appease the angry gods.
• By the time they reach A level standard, secondary school pupils should have learnt that chemicals are just poisons made by evil multinational corporations to poison us and destroy the natural world.

As one secondary school pupil, from a leading faith school, said when asked about her science lessons:

Our science priest said that anybody who believes that our grandparents were monkeys - like that evil heretic Darwin, or the anti-Christ Dawkins, said - will burn in hell.

Finally, however, a leading scientist said:

Of course, the problem is that politicians don’t like people learning about science and maths, because not only does it help bring about the politician’s greatest fear – people thinking for themselves, science and maths can also – using genuine facts and figures - quite often prove that what politicians are saying about something is actually, and demonstrably, wrong.