Non-Consensual Intimate Contact With A Small Hovercraft

Look out!

There is a serious danger of individual hovercraft infesting your vestibule sometime over the next few days. It is – as we know- unusual for such an occurrence this early in the New Year. Some have blamed the world economic downturn and others have blamed climate change, whilst the more perspicacious amongst us have pointed to the return of Wolves to the Premier League and nodded knowingly.

Now, far be it from me – about 17 miles as the crow flies, or 35 miles if that same crow takes public transport – to cast doubt on these varied explanations of what can be a very traumatic experience, as anyone who’s person has been in non-consensual intimate contact with a small hovercraft, especially when it takes place in a vestibule, it is not a very pleasant experience for you, or – indeed – your person.

However, as the Old Wives’ Tale has it, a small dab of Vaseline to the back of the left ear, does seem to keep the hovercraft out of the vestibule, at least until the official hovercraft catchers from the Errant Vehicle Restraint Squad arrive to trap it and take the hovercraft away to a nearby local hovercraft sanctuary, where it can live out the rest of its natural lifespan eating tinned mangoes in syrup and watching re-runs of The Morecambe And Wise Show on cable TV.