Labour Woo Low-Income Voters

Yesterday, a election strategist for the Labour party admitted candidly that:

In the up-coming election unless we can count on plenty of votes from dole scroun… the idle and feckle… out of wor… er… low-income families, then we are completely fucked.

Consequently, we have decided to promise them anything, up to and including free pies for life, if only they just get up off their fat arses, waddle all the way to the polling station and vote Labour at the forthcoming election.

As a Labour spokesman said in a recent speech aimed at ‘low-income families’:

Look, we’ve given you… er… your children free laptops, so you can use it to pull someone on Facebo… help your kids catch up with their homework. We have also promised to install free broadband so you’ll be able to download all the dirtiest filthiest porn you’ve ever wante… educational materials to help your kids keep up at school. All we ask you do in return is vote for us.

Oh… and if there is anything else you’d like us to give you for free, just say and we’ll fix it for you. After all, those still in work have still got about half their wages left that we haven’t taken in tax yet, so whatever you want we’ll get it for you.

You want the moon on a stick?

It’s yours… honest.

Just – as a favour - vote for us… PLEASE!

However, a Conservative spokesman responded by saying:

Are they mad, giving these oiks free stuff like that? Don’t they realise that as soon as they get their lardy unwashed hands on these ‘free’ laptops they will be flogging them down their local pub and spending their ill-gotten gains on extra-strength lager and those awful pasty-things they eat.

As for the free broadband, all I can say is look out for many more spotty nicotine-stained chavs selling illegally-downloaded porn on DVDs around the back of the market… you know… near that place where the rent boys hang ou… er…. Well you know what I mean, don’t you?