Government Plans Savage Frontline Cuts

According to an exclusive front page article in today’s Grauniad, the UK’s new coalition government is planning savage cuts in what the newspaper calls ‘vital local authority frontline services’.

As the article states:

Bicuspid Tenniselbow became the former government’s first official Government Underwater Diversity Awareness Co-Ordinator Czar when the minister for Making Everyone Exactly The Same noticed that some people – quite often from the over-privileged middle and upper classes of society - can hold their breath longer than someone from a more disadvantaged background.

Consequently, the full force of the Labour government immediately(ish) swung into action with the might of all its inept incompetence. It straightaway set up a multi-million pound enquiry into the vital necessity for the disadvantaged, those from officially-recognised minorities of race, gender, sexuality, species, hairiness and leggedness ought to have a great deal of money spent on attempting to bring their underwater breath-holding abilities up to levels that would be comparable to the best in the Western world.

It was soon apparent to everyone involved in the enquiry that if the UK was to have a breath-holding ability in its citizens comparable to the European average, then a massive database - and the multi-billion pound computer system to run it - would be needed. The database would need to contain the breath-holding abilities of every person in the UK and the rate of improvement in that score over time, weighted by class and officially-designated minority status.

First though, Bicuspid Tenniselbow, was appointed to her position, at a modest salary of £2 million a week, ready to oversee the new agency that would be required to make sure that everyone in the UK was tested for their underwater breath-holding abilities. The agency would then set about classifying the entire UK population into social status, sex, sexual preference, minority status and so forth ready for adding to the database as soon as it was up and running, or more likely up and limping badly; then, and only then would its great task of the most vital piece of post-war social engineering begin.

However, in an announcement by the new Evil Conservative dominated Stop Pissing Tax-Payer’s Money Up The Wall Committee, it was disclosed exclusively to this newspaper that the whole scheme will be abandoned before, as the committee chairman stated, ‘any more money is spent on yet another bloody useless government computer cockup’.

This stunning news about a threat to suck a vital frontline service has sent shockwaves throughout the entire local authority frontline Underwater Breath-Holding Awareness Co-Ordinator community, who fear that not only will their vital roles be savagely cut by this unfeeling Evil Conservative-dominated coalition, but more importantly the great strides they have made in enabling the underprivileged to increase their breath-holding abilities will be lost, possibly for a generation or more.