Tories Lay Out Economic Plans

Yesterday, the UK’s shadow chancellor laid out his plans to not say anything specific about the economy in case it ends up costing the Conservative party votes at the forthcoming election. Here, the shadow chancellor was extending the successful strategy followed by his party leader, David Cameron, of not saying anything beyond warm and cuddly platitudes in case it scares the voters.

In a speech, where he promised both pudding and pie for the people of the UK, Georgy Porgy stated that he would - in his first budget when the Tories come to power - make a firm binding commitment that he would not kiss the girls and make them cry despite Gordon Brown’s claim to the contrary. Georgy Porgy also promised that – should they win the upcoming election - a Conservative government would not run away when the boys come out to play.
He also said that a Conservative government would do lots and lots of nice things, and only ever cut public spending in places where no one would notice or care, that is if no one minded too much, and if it didn’t cost any votes. He finished his speech with a plea direct to the voters of Britain:

We are not nasty any more… at all… honest. Please believe me. Cuddly Dave and me, we’ll only ever do nice things… promise. Please say you’ll vote for us in the opinion polls…. Go on… please!

A Labour Cabinet treasury spokeswoman responded by saying:

They are the evil Tories, so they will only ever do evil things for evil reasons because they are evil. We may not know what evil things they are planning, but the people of this country must realise that, because they are evil Tories, then the things the evil Tories are planning to do – whatever they are – those things will be evil.