The Other Side Of The Reservoir

It came to pass that the prophet Nhigel (May His Plums Dangle Mightily) and his Mates had gone out one warm summer morning, to go fishing down at the local reservoir. First, they undertook the ceremony of the Holy lager as they sat on the bank, chanting the rites of ‘Last Night’s Telly’.

‘Me, I reckon you don’t get so many birds getting their kit off these days, as you used to,’ said Stan the Sceptic.

‘It’s wossname,’ said Barry the Tosser, producing a fart that all the others felt needed a round of applause. ‘Y’know?’

‘Feminism?’ said the all-knowing Nhigel.

‘Yeah, that,’ said Barry the Tosser.

‘That’s why the telly is run by women these days,’ said Phil the Wanker. ‘They’re in all the top jobs, and so they make all these bloody girly programmes, soaps, fashion, all that reality crap.’

The other Mates nodded their approval at these wise words.

‘I bet they’re all lesbians,’ said Barry the Tosser.

The Mates considered this point for a while as the pile of empty cans grew larger.

‘Nah,’ Steve the Sceptic said eventually. ‘If they were all lesbians, then wouldn’t there be more birds getting their kit off, rather than less?’

The Mates turned as one, to hear the wise words of Nhigel on this great philosophical conundrum.

‘Fair point, mate. Fair point,’ Nhigel said. ‘Anyway, about this fishing then?’

‘What fishing?’ said Barry the Tosser, failing to stand up.

‘We came here to do some fishing,’ Phil the Wanker said to Barry.

‘Did we?’ Barry said. ‘I wondered why you’d all got those fishing rods and stuff.’

‘Why do you think we stopped off at the bait shop?’ said Phil the Wanker.

‘’Cos Nhigel fancies the one that works there,’ said Barry the Tosser. He turned to Nhigel. ‘Did you pull her yet?’

Nhigel just smiled. ‘About this fishing,’ he said. ‘I reckon we ought to try around the other side of the reservoir.’

‘Why?’ said Stan the Sceptic.

‘I bet it is because there are more fish over there,’ said Big Paul, Nhigel’s best mate. He turned to Nhigel confidently. ‘Am I right, Nhige?’

Nhigel was silent for a moment. He smiled up at Big Paul. ‘No.’ was all he said.

‘No?’ The Mates all looked at each other, then back to Nhigel who was staring off across the reservoir.

‘Then why they hell should we trudge all the way around there?’ said Stan the Sceptic. ‘It’s bloody miles and the pub will be open soon,’ he said, looking up at the sky and calculating it wasn’t long until midday.

‘Because,’ Nhigel said, getting carefully to his feet. He nodded towards Stan. ‘As you rightly observed it is getting towards lunch time.’

‘What the hell has the time of day got to do with it?’ said Barry the Tosser, looking confused.

‘Because,’ Nhigel said, picking up his rod and setting off along the bank of the reservoir. ‘Because, the girls from the biscuit factory over on the other side of the reservoir have found a nice secluded place where they can go topless sunbathing during their lunch break…. Coming, lads?’

Immediately, as one, all the Mates got to their feet and followed Nhigel as he led them away. However, Barry the Tosser was so eager he ran straight into a tree and fell down again.

‘It’s a bloody miracle!’ Barry the Tosser cried struggling to his feet once more and rushing to catch up with Nhigel and the rest of the mates as they hurriedly made their way around to the other side of the reservoir.