Labour Attempting Record-Breaking Election Defeat

In a clear sign that the Labour party has given up all hope of winning the forthcoming election, and – instead – has adopted the strategy of trying to achieve the worst-ever poll showing in recorded history, they have apparently appointed Harriet Harman to ‘front’ their campaign.

[Hatstand Harridan]

Strategists believe that Ms Harman’s general election presence could prove important in seriously pissing off both women and middle England, two groups who are, they believe, already completely resistant to any attempt by Gordon Brown to piss them off any more than he already has done. They believe that Harridan’s patronising attitude and complete unawareness of how ordinary women live their lives should be enough to make sure only the most seriously loopy left-wing tribalists, who are still deluded enough to believe that Hatstand Harriman’s ‘diversity agenda’ actually helps – rather than , as evidence shows, completely screws up – people’s lives - will still vote Labour.

This marks a change in strategy by the Labour party, who - when all hope of winning the election was lost – were seriously considering using Lord Dastardly of Foy to piss off both floating voters and their own core vote, as private Labour party polls show that it is only political journalists who can bear to be in the same room as him, and then because – in most cases - the Dark Lord of Foy has let them know he still has the negatives.

[Lord Dastardly of Foy]

As a Labour party spokeswoman said:

Even a cursory glance at the political history of the 20^th century will show that all Labour governments have been a total disaster, and that the consequent election losses have always been quite spectacular. However, when the Conservatives lost so spectacularly to Del-Boy Blair in 1997 we promised ourselves – and we now promise the people of this country – that our inevitable forthcoming defeat will be far more stunning than anything the Evil Tories have ever managed, thereby putting the Labour party back in its rightful place as the producer of the biggest disasters in British government, and –considering the stiff competition for that honour put up by the other parties – it is a record that we in - what will soon be the former - Labour government, if all goes to plan, can be more than justly proud.

Anyway, over the next few months, we in what we hope will be the last Labour government in history, are going to devote our remaining time in office to totally screwing up everything we haven’t managed to already destroy completely yet.

We plan to create the biggest cock-up in the history of British governments, something that will make the Rail Privatisation of the Major government’s last days in office look like a very well organised piss-up in a brewery.