The Dead Government Sketch

 

A reader (Mr. Praline) enters an opinion poll.

Mr. Praline:   'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

(The pollster does not respond.)

Mr. Praline:   'Ello, Miss?

Pollster:       What do you mean, "miss"?

Mr. Praline:   I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!

Pollster:       We're closin' for lunch.

Mr. Praline:   Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this government what I voted for over a decade or so ago in this very boutique.

Pollster:        Oh yes, the, uh, the Labour government...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?

Mr. Praline:    I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it!

Pollster:         No, no, It's uh,... It’s resting.

Mr. Praline:    Look, matey, I know a dead government when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

Pollster:         No, no, it's not dead, he's, it's restin'! Remarkable government, the Labour government, in'it, ay? Beautiful policies!

Mr. Praline:    The policies don't enter into it. It's stone dead.

Pollster:         Nononono, no, no! It's resting!

Mr. Praline:    All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the computer) 'Ello, Mister Labour government! I've got a lovely new electoral mandate for you if you show...

(Pollster hits the government benches)

Pollster:        There, a new policy!

Mr. Praline:    No, it isn't, that was you hitting the Houses of Parliament!

Pollster:         I never!!

Mr. Praline:    Yes, you did!

Pollster:         I never, never did anything...

Mr. Praline: (yelling and hitting the government benches repeatedly)      'ELLO LABOUR GOVERNMENT!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!

(Mr. Praline takes the Prime minister out from number 10 Downing Street and thumps him on the counter. Throws the PM up in the air and watches him fall to the floor.)

Mr. Praline:      Now that's what I call a dead government.

Pollster:          No, no..... No, it's stunned!

Mr. Praline:      STUNNED?!?

Pollster:          Yeah! You stunned it, just as it was formulating a policy' again! Labour governments stun easily, major.

Mr. Praline:       Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That government is definitely deceased, and when I voted for it at the last election, you assured me that its total lack of new ideas was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged period of governmental incompetence.

Pollster:          Well, it's...it's, ah...probably pining for Tony Blair.

Mr. Praline:      PININ' for TONY BLAIR?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that? Look, why did it fall back on its outworn notions of class conflict the moment I got it home?

Pollster:          The Labour government prefers fighting a class war! Remarkable government, init, squire? Lovely polices!

Mr. Praline:      Look, I took the liberty of examining that government when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its government benches in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.

(pause)

Pollster:        Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that government down, it would have nuzzled up to those opposition benches, bent 'em apart with its electoral majority, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!

Mr. Praline:    "VOOM"?!? Mate, this government wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! it's bleedin' demised!

Pollster:         No no! it's pining!

Mr. Praline:     It's not pinin'! it's passed on! This government is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet its maker! It's a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed it to the House of Commons, it'd be pushing up the daisies! Its metabolic processes are now 'istory! It's off the twig! It's kicked the bucket, It's shuffled off its mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-GOVERNMENT!!

(pause)

Pollster:        Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek at the latest opinion polls) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the political parties, and uh, we're right out of credible governments.

Mr. Praline:    I see. I see, I get the picture.

Pollster:         I got a new government from the Conservative party.

(pause)

Mr. Praline:      Pray, is there any chance they will be any better at running the country?

Pollster:           Nnnnot really.

Mr. Praline:       WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?

Pollster:           N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)

Mr. Praline:      Well.

(pause)

Pollster: (quietly)  D'you.... d'you want to not bother voting for any of the worthless bastards at all then?

Mr. Praline: (looks around)   Yeah, all right, sure.

(My sincere apologies to the Monty Python team)