UK Government To Introduce Body Scanners

The UK government announced yesterday that it will introduce full-body scanners at every polling station in the country in time for the forthcoming election.

A spokesman for the government commented:

There is a very serious danger that in the upcoming election our country’s polling booths could by attack by terrorist voters from the Al-Conservative and Taliberal organisations, determine to bring about the downfall of this, The People’s Government.

This is the most popular government in British history – at least to those of us who work for it – and, consequently, we will not allow these terrorist voters to bring about its destruction. We would also like to make sure that our voters, once they are allowed into the polling station do not have their worldview blown apart by voters for these dissident organisations, which could easily bring our own core voters back down to earth with a very nasty bump indeed.

A spokesman for the government contractor who supplied these machines broke off from counting his money long enough to explain how they work:

These scanners should be able to detect the tell-tale signs of someone likely to vote Conservative as they will have the haggard hangdog look of someone haunted by the fact that over half their salary is pissed away by the Labour government on Lesbian Senior-Citizen Lumberjack Diversity Equality Paedophile Awareness co-ordinators.

It can also pick up the subtle odour of privilege, detect a public school accent (although, not one pretending to be working class as that would denote a valid Labour voter, which it would let through, twice), it also has a camera to discover any of the subtle signs that the person being scanned has recently been fox hunting. It is also programmed to reveal any sign of sexual arousal as it flashes several pictures of Margaret Thatcher in front of the test subject’s eyes.

They should also be able to pick up signs of the sandals and beards and the telltale odour of lentils from any liberal voter too. Although, to be honest, there are so few of them about it is almost impossible for us to calibrate the machines to detect all both of them.