Mandatory End-of-Year Marmoset Nipple Inspection Time.

Now it just so happens that today is not quite the day for Mandatory End-of-Year Marmoset Nipple Inspection. Her Majesty's Marmoset Nipple Inspectors, however, are all poised and ready to begin investigation into any dubious claim they suspect of attempting to defraud the government of its statutory right to know the exact number of marmoset nipples currently in the country. So, if - by this time next week - if you haven't filed your form 45b, form 1290, form 2 and for this year - because this year is the Chinese year of the Marmoset - form 34356712345689d, especially sub-section 45b, c, d, and f, then you can expect a visit from H.M.M.N.I fairly soon. If - on their visit - they do discover any unclaimed marmoset nipples then you can face a fine of at least 35p and/or - depending on the severity of the offence - up to 47 minutes in prison.

Of course, many critics of the system have claimed that the revenue raised by the tax of marmoset nipples - £17.56 last year, for example - is greatly outweighed by the cost of administering it - £19.46 billion last year. But, Tentacle Brainleecher, the government's Secretary of State for Marmosets (with special Nipple Responsibility) said, in an interview in the House of Commons, "The cost is not the issue and… hey, look over there! Isn't that the MP who put his duck house on expenses?" before running away from our interviewer and hiding in the Government's private toilets.

Asked for his view, Inept Placeholder, the opposition spokesman for Marmoset Affairs said. "Er… well obviously, this government is doing everything wrong and we would do it all far better, of course. That is if the ungrateful bastard voters of this country ever actually come out and vote for us." When asked if the policy would change under their new policy initiative, he replied. "New policy? Have we got another one? Only I came in a bit late this morning… is it still the one whatshisname - the young one with the hair - announced the other day - or have we got another – newer - one?" He immediately wandered off; looking for someone who knew which policy initiative was the current one.

The Liberal Democrat Spokeswoman for Marmoset Affairs, Airyhead Inconsequence, also had something to say, but our reporting team decided they would much prefer to go home early rather than waste time bothering to interview her, or to even keep up the pretence that anything a Liberal Democrat says matters in any way.