Badgers and TB

According to sources at the government’s Department for Ignoring Rural Affairs, the number of badgers infected with TB (Tony Blair disease) has increased significantly over the last few years, even though the Prime Badger known to be infected with the disease was supposedly eradicated from the UK a few years ago.

Recently, vets had to put down one badger fatally infected with Tony Blair disease, which had started to form a focus group to endlessly discuss NHS reforms. While only a few years ago, a badger in some nearby woods claimed that the recent attacks by suicide weasels ‘filled with cheap rice and dubious treacle’ had ‘nothing at all’ to do with that badger’s decision to launch a pre-emptive attack on some water voles living on a distant farm. These water voles, so the TB-infected badger claimed, would be able to lunch a massive assault using specially-trained overly-flatulent cattle ‘within 45 minutes’ of the farmer opening the gate to their field.

Some years ago too, other badgers tried introducing identity cards for all woodland creatures, ‘so we can tell which birds are indigenous and which are merely migratory’. This was seen as merely a sop to some of the indigenous woodland creatures who claim that the migratory birds are using all the scarce nest-building materials in some areas, leaving ‘British birds’ with no material for constructing their own nests.

In one area, another TB-infected badger decided that ‘failing hen houses’ should be put under the management of outside consultants – certain ‘specially-selected’ foxes. ‘Time and again’ the badger claimed, foaming at the mouth slightly, ‘foxes have shown that they are the ones who really know how to turn around failing hen houses.’

A badger, diagnosed with Tony Blair disease, was also under investigation for allegedly receiving money from certain wealthy cuckoos who wanted to become owls, and therefore sit in the higher branches of the oak trees, passing rules, judgments and laws concerning the activities of the other creatures in the woods. This badger had said, when taking office that it would change the privileged status of the owls as lawmakers for the woodlands, but like so many other promises made by TB-infected badgers, it came to nothing.

A couple of years ago it seemed that the disease had died out naturally in this country, when the Prime Badger carrying the disease was removed from office.

However, since then, there have been a few rumours of outbreaks of Tony Blair disease in the Middle East, but despite this there have been no confirmed sightings there of the former , TB-carrying, Prime Badger. Recently, there were warnings of an outbreak of this TB disease in Europe, but luckily it was eradicated before it could take hold.

Although, certain sources close to the current Prime Badger – a self-certified TB-free badger - have indicated a cure for Tony Blair disease had now been developed and we should have see the total eradication of this menace from our lands, it seems, however, that there are some signs this deadly disease could return to our shores in the very near future.