UK Government ‘Is Knackered’

A group of former Whitehall senior officials have woken up long enough to notice that, according to a report issued yesterday: ‘The British government is a complete and utter disaster’ and that government ministers should not be ‘allowed out on their own’ or ‘allowed to play with sharp objects’.

A spokesman for the authors of the report said, at a press conference, yesterday:

It has become obvious over the last few years that getting elected as a MP is no indication at all of having any intelligence, competence, or even integrity, which in any other walk of life would be regarded as – at the very least – career-limiting, but - perversely – in politics they are the very qualities that allow someone, no-one else would trust to hand round the biscuits at a village hall committee meeting, to be given control of a vast government department with a massive workforce and an immense budget.

Frankly, though, what we really need in much, much less government for these people to cock up. Most things that need to be made illegal are already illegal, the vast majority of the rest of the government’s legislation is poorly thought-out knee-jerk responses to the latest bout of tabloid-provoked hysteria, that if ignored would die out within a few days, or even sooner if some celebrity’s tits fall out of her dress in front of a nearby photographer.

The report goes on to say that the people of the UK must either realise that government is too important to be left to politicians, or that we must severely limit the power of governments to damage our society.

However, the authors of the report go on to conclude that:

Quite simply the only conclusion we can draw from our study of the UK government is that it would be best to rip out the green benches from the House of Commons debating chamber and replace it all with one huge sand pit.

In other news, the Association of British Brewers yesterday confirmed that – after the forthcoming election – they would not offer any former government minister a job as a Social Events Organiser.