Government Training Scheme Was 'Mismanaged'

A government scheme intended to train members of parliament in basic human competence was branded a complete failure last night, when it was revealed that it had only managed to train MPs to fill out their expense claims and nothing else.

The scheme was intended to train MPs, so that they – at least – have some vague idea of why they turn up at the Houses of Parliament beyond submitting expense claims and seeing how many freshly-oiled and naked ‘researchers’ can be squeezed into a house of Commons stationery cupboard with an upstanding member.

However, a member of the government pointed to the massive increase in the number of MPs, jetting off to foreign climes on all-expense paid ‘fact-finding’ missions, saying:

Look, at least when they are abroad they are not in the Houses of Parliament screwing things up for the rest of the population. Research has proved that when MPs are out of the country, then there is far less chance of them doing any more damage to it.

A similar scheme, called The Train to Govern Scheme, set up to train those MPs who became members of the government was also criticised in the report, which concludes that:

…there is little or no evidence that anyone in the government had any real idea what they were doing, how to do the job they were given, or, in some cases, that they were supposed to have the first clue about the department they were – at least nominally – in charge of.

In summary, it seems ridiculous that someone, by mere dint of being elected by a small proportion of the electorate, will have any idea about how to run something like a huge government department, and despite the extensive training they were given – apparently in how to use a paperclip, how not to stab themselves in the eye with the pointy end of a pencil and how to smile and wave at the TV cameras without falling arse over tit – it did little to prepare them for joining the cabinet, and – Lord help us – trying to run the country.

The report recommends that trying to train MPs, and – by extension – members of the government to be anywhere approaching competent is a futile and pointless task, and that most politicians could easily be replaced by empty cardboard boxes on the benches of the Houses of Parliament without anyone in the electorate noticing, or even caring that much. The report also says that the government itself could be improved; made more effective and efficient, by replacing all cabinet members with a troop of monkeys from a Safari park.