The Latest Celebrity Sex Scandal

After the recent revelations about the private life of some American bloke who gets paid a lot of money to hit a tiny ball with a stick around some rather over-elaborately landscaped gardens all over the world, comes another earth-shattering celebrity revelation, this time featuring the British TV actress and ‘Reality’ show judge, Parallelogram Spelunker, and her husband, celebrity toast designer, Spadge Bellend.

Parallelogram Spelunker first came to everyone’s attention playing the lead role of the head lighthouse keeper in the long-running ITV sitcom Help! My Family Lives In A Lighthouse!, a barely credible tale of a ‘modern’ family, i.e. various previous partners all equally improbably once-married to each other with several various offspring (one of the running gags, of course, being the adults inability to recall which of the herd of children were the offspring of whom).
Help! My Family Lives In A Lighthouse!, of course, being an ITV sitcom, was spared the problem of actually being funny, thus leaving the writers to strain credibility as they saw fit in order to alternate their two pay-off scenes: the one where someone, usually one of the more incredibly inept husbands would fall down the spiral staircase inside the lighthouse, or the other ending where one of the wives, usually Spelunker herself, would end up naked, or at least topless, in front of the lighthouse’s light, thus displaying her nudity for miles around.
Of course, in the hour-long Christmas and Easter specials, both incidents would have to happen, one at the halfway point, and the other at the end of the episode.
However, nowadays Spelunker is far more famous as a panellist on Britain’s Got Delusional Wannabes where she plays the ‘empathetic panel member’, the one who always seems to burst into tears during each contestant’s obligatory sob-story, no matter how ungainly mawkish and contrived it seems to be.
Spadge Bellend, of course, is famous for his own TV series, Celebrity Toast! where he makes, and butters, toast for his celebrity ‘friends’ as they sit around in a faux-kitchen mocked up in a TV studio as a feeble cover for the ‘celebrity friends’ to casually mention - often to tedious excess - whatever ‘product’ they are hawking around at that time. Unsurprisingly, this show too sees to be popular with the totally-mashed couch potatoes who make a habit of gawking at daytime TV.
Just last night, however, certain rumours about this celebrity couple emerged when neighbours around the couple’s luxury Tipton mansion, heard shouts, screams, and the revving of a car engine, then the unmistakable sound of a car hitting a privet hedge at 34.7 mph. Then, one neighbour noticed Bellend, his favourite toaster clutched under his arm, rushing away down the street with tell-tale marmalade stains covering his dressing gown.
At a hastily-convened press conference Parallelogram Spelunker broke down in tears as she confessed that that night she and Spadge Bellend had been having sex together, ‘just like any other normal married couple’.
At first the assembled press hacks were too stunned to comment, even the most jaded and experienced reporters amongst them had never expected a celebrity couple to do something as outrageously ordinary as that.
A Tearful Parallelogram Spelunker, supported by her loyal PR team, then went on to explain:

As you know I’ve been playing the most demanding role of my acting career, lately, as the ‘empathetic one’ on the judging panel of Britain’s Got Delusional Wannabes. Sometimes it is so hard pretending to feel sorry for some of these misguided idiots, especially those with faces only their mother could love, and their oh-so-contrived obligatory sob stories.
Then one day, last week, Spadge and I found ourselves alone together for the first time since we sold the exclusive rights to our honeymoon to Tepid magazine…. Well, his PR had the day off and my personal trainer had a bad back. I… I… suppose we both felt lonely and with the pressure of our jobs… Spadge has been experimenting with wholemeal toast for his new series and it hasn’t been going well… and we just… well. I suppose we just forgot about being a celebrity couple for once and just did it… only three or four times. It was just a moment of madness, and we hope our sponsors and everyone whose products we endorse can find it in their hearts to forgive us for behaving in such… such a… a conventional manner…. I’m sorry… I can’t…

Overwhelmed by tears, Spelunker was then escorted from the press conference by her personal trainer, Strom Thighhammer, who has vowed to stick by Spelunker at this difficult time.
A spokeswoman for Spadge Bellend said, however, that:

Spadge Bellend and his PR assistant, Splendide Mellow-Thighs, have asked for the media to respect their privacy whilst they try to come to terms with the events of the last few days and try to repair their relationship.