Doubts Cast On Authenticity Of Holy Relic

Yesterday, it emerged that further doubts have been cast over the authenticity of the so-called Wolverhampton T-shirt of Nhigel, supposedly the very t-shirt that the great prophet Nhigel (May His Plums Dangle Mightily) wore on the fabled Night of the Last Kebab in the Uttabollux Holy City of Tourhisttrhap, the very night that Nhigel (MHPDM) mysteriously disappeared and – some contemporary accounts say – ascended to heaven on the back seat of an angelic mini-cab.

The Holy T-shirt of Nhigel first came to light during the mediaeval era when it was allegedly found in a skip in mysterious circumstances in the tow City of Wolverhampton; hence the otherwise inexplicable naming of the shirt, as it is well-known that Nhigel never actually visited Wolverhampton. Although, rumour has it he once bought a packet of pork scratchings in nearby Dudley, on Barry The Tosser’s (one of Nhigel’s Holy Mates) stag night.
Most commentators have since claimed that the t-shirt was forged by several enterprising medieval entrepreneurs and Inn owners who fancied getting in on the then very lucrative Holy Pilgrimage trade. In fact, as a consequence of this, Wolverhampton can lay claim to have been home to the world’s first Travel Agent (although, to be fair this is something the tow city usually likes to keep quiet about).
However, archaeologists yesterday managed to exhume a relatively intact t-shirt from a dig contemporaneous with the time of Nhigel, and a through examination of the t-shirt shows that it is of a completely different style to the Wolverhampton t-shirt, which is of a much more medieval design, and – quite significantly – bears the logo of the band Status Quo, who while they have been around a long time do not – quite – predate the medieval era.
Many scientific investigations have been carried out into the authenticity of the Wolverhampton t-shirt, all of which have proved conclusively that the t-shirt is a medieval fraud. These, recent scientific examinations – reluctantly allowed by the Uttabollux religious leaders – the Dhaftghits, including Nohbrahin Re-Actshunahri, the Hibossmahn (High priest) Dhaftghit himself – have demonstrated that several of the stains on the t-shirt do not come – as the Uttabolluxers claim – from a kebab at all. Some of the stains have been shown to be almost certainly from a Chicken Biryani (made to a typical medieval recipe). Another stain, said to be where someone spilt Nhigel’s pint over him on the Night of the Last Kebab, has been shown to be Marmite – ironically a substance high on the list of Uttabollux forbidden foods, known as the Nhastistuhff,.
However, despite this most Uttabolluxers are convinced that the t-shirt is a bone-fide holy relic, pointing out – quite rightly - that concepts like truth, scientific evidence and facts are irrelevant when it comes to religious belief, and that, moreover, the willingness to carry on believing something despite the overwhelming evidence that it is all complete bollocks is the sign of the true religious believer. Consequently, for the truly devout the more reality flatly contradicts everything their religion says, the more they believe in it.