Government Action On Spending Cuts Announced

Yesterday the UK Prime Minister, Gordon Brown*, promised to make significant cuts to his government’s spending, hoping to save – he said: ‘Billions of pounds.’

He went on to outline how he plans to set up an ‘independent government agency – OffToss – which he said would be tasked with the job of identifying savings throughout the entire national and local government systems. Mr Brown pointed out that the agency will be asked to identify at least £10 billion a year, over the next decade, in savings and should be able to identify at least 500 000 jobs that cut be cut without significantly effecting the Labour party’s electoral chances.

In a separate fact sheet issued at the end of Mr Brown’s press briefing, it was estimated that OffToss would cost £15 billion a year to run and would need a staff of at least 750 000 to enable it to investigate thoroughly all aspects of government waste and inefficiency and to produce the essential graphs, tables, PR releases and briefing papers.

The PM then went on to say that there were certain high profile public sector jobs that the country could no longer afford, saying:

I have personally identified around at least 650 jobs that – in the current economic climate (that started in America and had nothing to do with me) – this country can no longer afford. Having a parliament, which only gets in the way of me governing the country how I know it should be run, is a luxury we can no longer justify, especially when there is the ever present danger of a terrorist threat such as the Evil Tories winning the next election… despite all I have done for this country, you bunch of ungrateful Bastar..!

After a government advisor had hit the PM with a stick until he calmed down, the PM continued:

After all, if only you ungrateful bunch of bastards actually realised what a great job I’m doing, and how a towering intellectual genius like me can only be held back by the petty whinging and nit-picking of all those MPs, then you will see the sense of getting rid of them as soon as possible.

Anyway, I know that the hard-working families of this great nation really just can’t be arsed with that walk down to the polling station every five years or so. So, I might as well just save you the bother. See how nice I am to you all?

So, anyway, when I do abolish the outdated institution of the Houses of Parliament, not only will we save the salaries of the MPs, there will be massive savings made by getting rid of their support staff – or close relatives, as they are known elsewhere. Furthermore, I will – once and for all - solve the problem of MP’s expenses, at a stroke. It takes a great genius like me to be that clever. No more of those bloody annoying headlines about sodding moats and duck houses, which will then enable the media to concentrate on what a great job I’m doing saving the world from… from… from… well, whatever it needs me to save it from next time.

Thank you. You will not need to ask me any questions, I have thought of all the ones you could possibly ask me, and I’ve decided they are too piddlingly insignificant for me to waste my towering genius on bothering to answer them.

So… Good night.

*Yes, still, amazingly.