PM Says Copenhagen A Failure

Gordon Brown, it was revealed over the weekend, had planned to lead the world into – what he called – ‘A Brand-New Dawn’ of taxation, claiming that climate change was the best excuse for a generation, or more, for governments to discover whole new areas of previous-untapped taxation, along with entire new realms of social control and social engineering. However, with the failure of the Copenhagen Climate summit to come to any kind of solution, Gordon Brown’s plans to use the agreement as a justification for his new taxes and social order planning were left in ruins.

Before the Copenhagen conference the British PM had spoken of his desire to introduce many new forms of taxation under the smokescreen of claiming they would ‘help cut carbon’, ‘counter global warming’ and so forth. Gordon Brown had also spoken of how the threat of climate change could be used to bring in many more forms of social control and engineering:

We have already had a great deal of success using the threat of terrorism to curtail so-called traditional British freedoms. Therefore, building on these successes, I can envisage several ways in which the threat of climate change can be used to increase our control of the populace. For example, I don’t drive, so therefore there is no need for anyone else in the UK – apart from government chauffeurs, of course - to be allowed to drive around freely either. We can tax the car, tax the road, tax the petrol, track every journey by CCTV and satellite and so on. We may even introduce a special one-off tax on being Jeremy Clarkson. All this, in the name of being environmentally aware, means there is almost no limit to what a government – with its own best interests at heart, and – therefore, the best interests of the British population at heart – can do all in the name of something vital and urgent such as we claim climate change is.

We could also, for instance, severely tax and restrict people’s ability to fly around the globe too, ostensibly for environmental reasons. Possibly restricting it to vital inter-governmental conferences and the essential photo-opportunities they provide for a grateful populace to see their beloved Prime Minister once again saving the world – against all the odds, just like in the films they will no longer be allowed to watch on their government-controlled TVs.

Other countries too have expressed their disappointment at not being able to get their hands on loads of extra free money to piss away on vanity projects and ineffectual show-pieces. A spokesman for a coalition of African countries said of the failure to reach agreement:

Obviously we are disappointed. Now that most of the world has realised that food and developmental aid doesn’t work and often only makes things worse, we were hoping that we could con the rich countries into giving us ‘Climate Change’ money instead. Of course, we would have to guarantee to each other that this money would be spent in the same way as all the other forms of aid we used to receive, such as: on luxury jets for the presidents, twice their own weight in gold and jewellery for their mistresses and very expensive weapons systems for the armies that keep them in power and their populations in dire poverty.

Unfortunately, all of this was thwarted by the failure to reach a global deal, with Gordon Brown claiming the chance of a global deal was scuppered by a handful of countries holding the world to ransom. Just before he was led away by some nice men in white coats, an angry Gordon Brown claimed:

If it wasn’t for those pesky countries I would have got away with it. All my plans for a world-dominating system of taxation and social engineering on a scale never before attempted have been ruined by these hardly-developed nations.

[Representatives of ‘those pesky countries’ leaving the Copenhagen conference]