Education Is ‘Dangerously Elitist’ Claim Schools

Many schools, yesterday, expressed their shock and outrage that people were expecting them to educate their pupils.

As one head teacher, setting out for a two week-long Diversity Awareness course at a five-star seaside hotel, said:

Where have these people been living? This is not the Dark Ages - whatever that was, the pre-TV age, I think - you know. We are not here to teach them things, that can only lead to elitism, with some children – through no fault of their own – turning out to be cleverer than other children, and we can’t have that.

The kids don’t even need to read and write, anyway, these days, when they can just send pictures to each other on their phones. As for things like Maths, well, with the sort of jobs these kids will get, it doesn’t matter. After all the cash registers in the shops where they work will handle all the complicated stuff for them, they’ll just have to wave the goods around in the direction of the bar code scanner without breaking it too often. Frankly, it would be cruel to even try to educate someone who’s going to have to live the rest of their life like that.

A teacher in a local Comprehensive, shouting from behind a barricade he had built around his desk, added:

Look, our job is to keep the little sods locked up during the day so their parents can go out to work for long enough to be able to afford the video games, phones and broadband connections that will keep these buggers occupied once we let them out of the schools.

It is a good job we don’t try to educate them, actually. Being as teenagers are miserably awkward and contrary grumpy buggers at the best of times, imagine what arseholes they’d be if we gave them enough education for them to realise how shit most of the rest of their lives are going to be?

As the education department no longer exists, The Rope tried to speak to the Secretary of State for Citizen Compliance, Ed ‘Total’ Balls, but he was too busy having backstabbing lessons and checking the PM’s diary for Gordon Brown’s whereabouts on the Ides of March.