Government Announce Changes To Vetting Scheme

The UK government have announced a partial climb-down over their plans for a vetting scheme for all adults who come into contact with children.

As a spokesman for the government said:

Initially we were planning on vetting approximately 11 million adults who might one day find themselves in the near vicinity of a child. However, after a review, we have discovered that about two million of those would actually be too ugly and/or smelly for any child to go anywhere near them without first being given a large dose of horse tranquiliser. So we feel that – unless The Daily Paranoia objects of course – that we can remove the need for those two million to undergo the checks, including the large electric shocks to the genitals whilst being simultaneously shown pictures of children that we decided to introduce purely as a precautionary measure.

Schools and other groups which work with children welcomed the move, with many saying it did not go far enough. As one children’s author put it:

It’s funny how societies seems to have rubbed along for thousands of years without anyone in the past having to go through any of these checks, and yet – apart from relatively few tragic examples – most kids seem to grow up fine without any adults leaping on them as soon as the authorities leave them alone for more than a few seconds.

However, certain charities which depend on creating a fear of paedophiles lurking in wait to leap on children wherever they gather, expressed serious concern over whether these changes would have any repercussions on the amount of government funding they are likely to receive in the future, with a spokeswoman saying:

Won’t someone please think of the children! If they don’t I could easily be out of a job.

However, the spokesman from the Department for Children, Schools and Families went on to add:

This change, however, means that only 9 million people will be on this database, which is – as you well realise - nowhere near enough for this government’s needs. Therefore, the next step will be – obviously – legislation to regulate contacts between all adults in the UK with each other, to make sure that all activities they then engage in are politically correct, respectful of everyone’s diversity, sexual orientation and so forth, that all officially-recognised minority groupings are fully represented, and that all – for example – Sexual Consent Forms have been filled in and registered with the new ‘Sex Tsar’, who will make sure that everyone is fulfilling the new compulsory sexual diversity quotas that everyone, except for us in the Inner party of course, will have to comply with under the forthcoming EU rules that are about to be introduced.