For those worried that the British state and its armies of hectoring minions may have shut up and left us in peace over Christmas, there have been cries of relief all around as the Department of Heath and the Ramblers Association joined forces to help prevent the danger of people being left to make up their own minds about what to do with their lives.
As a government spokesman said:
Over Christmas - with the normal government offices and their myriad of quangos, agencies and pseudo-charities all taking a well-earned break in order to spend some of their excessive salaries on being pampered by dusky maidens in far-off tropical paradises - there is a danger that the constant level of nannying, hectoring, and plain and simple bullying of the British population will fall below the level where some of the more robust of our citizens may just start thinking for themselves. Obviously, that can’t be allowed to happen. So it is vital that government offices, and theses other agencies we so lavishly piss tax payer’s money away on, all get together to release enough press releases, information leaflets, contradictory advice and pointless guidance to mollify the population over the extended Christmas break.
Quite frankly, we can’t rely on the HSE to do all this vital work on their own, even though it often goes beyond the call of duty in issuing warnings about every aspect of people’s normal daily lives. The HSE has also issued extra warnings in order to irritate and annoy people over the Christmas period this year, such as: warnings about the danger of getting paper cuts from unwrapping presents without wearing safety gloves, falling off ladders when hanging decorations, the danger of a loud(ish) bang when someone pulls a cracker, the danger of too many sprouts and – of course - the danger of getting extensive burns when setting fire to annoying relatives, as well as many other such unnecessary warnings.
However, as one member of the public said:
Going for a walk, once in a while over Christmas, may actually be a good idea, instead of spending half a dozen days in front of the TV, just stuffing yourself with yet more food and drink every couple of hours. But, have the HSE, or anyone, warned anyone about the dangers of going out walking where you might accidentally meet a bunch of ramblers in their hideous day-glo kagooles, or even worse, Janet Street-Bloody-Porter! That’s not a sight anyone could cope with without throwing up, is it? Do they really want the British countryside to be inches deep in semi-digested turkey, sherry and chocolate-flecked vomit?
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