Smart Meter Scheme Expanded

In an extension to the utility smart metering system for gas and electricity, the UK government has announced that it is going to introduce smart meters for the many other things it wants to monitor, partly to bring the UK into line with several EU regulations and – mainly – because it thinks it can get away with it quite easily.

First and foremost, the UK government wants to introduce greenhouse gas monitors into people’s homes to register the ‘carbon footprint’ of every person in that household. However, this initiative has received strong condemnation from the Sprout Growers Association who fear that such close monitoring of people’s emissions will have dire consequences for their member’s livelihoods.

There will also be a UK Government Diversity Awareness Monitor that will monitor each household to make sure that it is made up of the correct quantities of ethnically-diverse occupants and that the government’s standard level of sexual equality and ethnic minority balance is being met. All households that do not, say, have enough Scottish lesbians and transvestite German-Jewish Muslims in residence to accurately reflect the UK government’s diversity make-up quotas will be therefore restructured away from the traditional nuclear family-style household until they do.

The output from all these monitors will also enable the government to issue sternly-worded directives to everyone in order to hector them into behaving as the government wants them to behave.

Also, there will be a household budget smart meter installed in every household designed to detect any money left over in the household budget that could be taken by the government in taxation before the members of the household waste it on non-government-approved frivolities.

All-in-all the government is confident that its new smart metering campaign will enable it to monitor, control, direct and tax the UK population in almost every way it can think of, and, as one government minister said: ‘…in quite a few new ways we haven’t thought of… yet.’