Britain To Have TV Election Debates

Britain’s, clubs, restaurants, cinemas, theatres and few remaining pubs were all celebrating last night on hearing the news that the main UK TV channels (and Sky) are all promising to show pre-election debates between the three political party leaders that could last up to an hour and a half each.

One delighted pub owner said:

This is the first good news we’ve had since the smoking ban. If we can just manage to stay open until the election is called, we’ll be guaranteed three bumper nights. It’ll be like darts final night, the Christmas pub quiz and that night we had a lock-in with those three dirty, dirty lesbian strippers with the bucket of baby oil… all rolled into one.

The TV stations all issued full apologies for allowing themselves to be duped into showing the programmes. However, they were still condemned for their blatant irresponsibility by metal heath organisations, The Samaritans and several charities that help the terminally TV-befuddled how to find the off switch on their own TV sets. As one very experienced TV viewer said:

I accidentally watched an Election Night Special once, when I’d got the TV schedules mixed up after we’d been out celebrating Big Dave’s 25th birthday for a week and a half. I was sitting there expecting a frank expose of secret teenage lesbianism, but instead I ended up with several hours of watching Peter Snow fiddling about with his swingometer. Put me off political programmes for life, that did.

So, three programmes lasting an hour and a half each, that’s four and a half hours of watching those three party leaders trying to avoid saying anything they can later be held to. Frankly, I’d rather gouge out my own eyeballs with a rusty teaspoon.

Some of the nearly half a dozen people in the UK who notice politics seemed to be quite excited by the prospect with several sneaking both hands inside their underpants as they digested the news.

However, as one political pundit explained.

You think ordinary political interview programmes are boring exercises in bland meaningless regurgitated spin. Just you wait until you see these three programmes. From now until the night the first one is broadcast, each party’s PR teams will have their leaders locked in a darkened basement under party headquarters with their genitals wired up to the mains, making sure they are on message and spin-perfect no matter what questions they get asked. The Labour team will probably have to work overtime trying to get Gordon Brown to be much more decisive about his choice of biscuit, but it is vital matters like this that could decide the fate of the election. That is, if there is anyone out there actually insane enough to want to watch these programmes out of choice. I’ll have to do it because it is my job, but even I am thinking of hammering a six inch nail up my nose just to get out of it.

When out reporter went out into the streets of Britain to do a vox pop, most people just screamed ‘AAAAAARRGGGHHHH!’ and ran away. Others just stood there, blinking very slowly as our reporter explained it would be a bit like Celebrity Strictly Come Dancing On Ice Factor, but with out the dancing, the ice… or the celebrities.