Halting the Terrorist Threat In The UK

Over the last few years, the world has grown wearingly familiar with some fundamentalist Uttabolluxers who promote the use of terrorism in order to bring about a world united in Uttabollux, where everyone worships the one true Skhighhibhoss and his prophet, Nhigel (May His Plums Dangle Mightily).

[An Uttabollux terrorist cell in training]

These terrorists, known as the Al-Ka-Hollix, led by their mysterious leader Old-Sam Binge-Drinka, have caused chaos and mayhem throughout the world with their many terrorist attacks on clubs, bars, pubs and off licences, with the suicidal amounts of heavy drinking that are the mark of the true Al-Ka-Hollix terrorist. As the head of the Metropolitan Police’s counter-terrorism unit said:

When one of these people sidles up to an innocent person in a pub and begins talking about the match, or last night’s TV, most people are unaware that they are chatting to a committed Al-Ka-Hollic, at least, that is, until the following morning where – if they are very lucky – they wake up naked in a skip with a splitting headache and a strange new tattoo on their genitalia.

The Ladhifeah, the Uttabollux Holy book, in the Mhahdehupstuff (the Uttabollux Holy Law) claims that any one who dies in the holy service of the Skhighhibhoss, or the prophet Nhigel (MHPDM), will when he ascends to heaven be awarded with 72 pints of beer, bought personally for him at the bar by the prophet Nhigel, with each served to him by a different Uttabollux angel, all of whom will declare themselves sexually aroused by the martyr’s prodigious alcohol consumption ability, and demanding that he satisfy her carnal needs then and there.

The UK authorities have introduced many anti-Uttabollux terrorist measures into the vulnerable pubs and clubs of the UK in an attempt to reduce the threat of an attack, such as: Alco-pops and cheap lagers – which taste too foul for even a committed Al-Ka-Hollic to sup in suicidal quantities, an excessive tax on alcohol in order to make a suicidal drinking binge ludicrously expensive, especially for Uttabolluxers who are well known to have short arms, deep pockets and religious beliefs which prohibit them ever volunteering to get their round in.

The head of the Metropolitan Police’s counter-terrorism unit added:

It seems like our only remaining option to curb the threat from committed fundamentalist Al-Ka-Hollix terrorist is to bring in a law to make dominoes and cribbage once more compulsory in British pubs and clubs in an attempt to reduce the possibility of one of these terrorists engaging in a suicidal amount of drinking and encouraging all the other patrons to attempt to keep up with him, resulting in the carnage of totally wrecked punters knee-deep in their own vomit smashing up the place before collapsing in a big puking heap outside the door.