Queen’s Speech – Education Reforms

Despite the enormous emphasis put on education by the Labour government during its term of office, the government believes there are still some unresolved problems with the education system. As Ed ‘Total’ Balls the Education spokesmen said, outlining the education measures that will be in the Queen’s Speech:

Despite our best efforts over the last decade or so there are still too many children leaving school with enough a grasp of the English language to enable them to tell when we in the government are talking bollocks. This is not good enough, for unless we can get them to believe all the piffle we come out with; they are not going to reach our target of being compulsive and almost instinctive Labour voters.

There are even some – admittedly very few – who still have some vague knowledge of mathematics who often realise that the figures we use to justify our policies often don’t make any sense, and that – in many cases – they’ve been simply made up.

The Labour government has also announced its intention to emphasise what it likes to call ‘social skills’, instead of having children actually learn stuff, which it regards as ‘old-fashioned’ and ‘potentially elitist’. The government’s stated aim is to have all pupi ‘Educational Co-achievers’ all reach exactly the same level of total ignorance which will mean every child in Britain will get A* A-levels in every subject taken.

As ‘Total’ Balls said in an exclusive interview with The Rope:

By emphasising Social Skills we want to reprogram the way these children’s minds work. By forcing them to take account of Diversity, Equality; and social aware respect for all officially-recognised victim group minorities in every subject area from Global Cooli… Global Warmi… Climate Change right up to their Anti-bullying A-Level, they will learn that certain things, such as officially-recognised hate crimes, become almost inconceivable. So, if anyone, say, by way of example, an Evil Tory, says something that contravenes any officially sanctioned thought processes they’ve been inculcated with, then these children will simply not be able to make any sense of it whatsoever. It will be literally unthinkable, as shocking to them as if the Evil Tory had threatened to plop their dangly bits into a fish tank full of piranhas…. Actually, hang on. I’ll just make a note of that…. Fish tank… dangly bits… piranhas. Yes, I think my Dark Lord of Foy will be amused by that.

Anyway, where was I?

Oh, yes:

In this way we believe – a bit like the Jesuits used to – that once we have got them ‘Thinking Labour’ at an early enough age they will continue to ‘Think Labour’ – and, of course, vote Labour, for the rest of their lives, no matter how much reality contradicts everything they see and do. I mean it worked for Christianity, and all those other equally nice and cuddly religions too of course, for a few thousand years or so. So it ought to work for us… unless Gordon cocks it up, of course.

Just before leaving the interview, Ed Balls, added as an aside:

By the way, do your readers know that David Cameron has a big fluffy white cat he strokes as he sits in his secret Evil Tory base, hidden under a volcano on an island? It’s true – honest.