Gordon Brown Apologises On Behalf Of The British People

Last night UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown issued a full apology on behalf of the British People, saying:

I wish to apologise on behalf of the British people to the Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, for the British people’s utter lack of gratitude for, and acknowledgement of his towering genius. Not only, during his period as Chancellor, was the British economy made into a world leader in extravagant debt generation, he managed to tidy the place up by getting rid of all those untidy piles of gold some – no doubt incompetent Tory (spit) - had left lying around.

Furthermore, he is a literary giant - easily dwarfing other Prime Ministerial scribblers such as Churchill and Disraeli – famed throughout his own mind for his great epistolary works dispatched to many significant persons and even ordinary people. None of these noble gestures have – it seems – been truly appreciated by the electorate of the UK.

Never one to exploit his own significant disabilities for petty political advantage, he has managed to retain the captaincy of the Labour Party’s Parliamentary Nokia Hurling team despite stiff competition, and despite claims by some – frankly deluded - members of the party that banana-assisted gurning is the way forward in a modern parliamentary party if it is to retain the trust of the voters.

Brown continued, using an onion to wipe a tear from his glass eye:

Gordon Brown is far too modest and self-effacing to mention it very often, but he learnt from his father - a Church of Scotland minister - that if people are daft enough to believe in imaginary sky fairies, then they are daft enough to believe anything told to them in a serious sonorous voice no matter how half-baked or even plain loopy. Also, Gordon Brown has a moral compass , a gift from his father, and – despite his almost crippling shyness that has led him to seek out the most high-profile position in the country - he would like everyone to know that moral compass is still in pristine condition, mainly because it has never been taken out of its original display case.

To sum up, Gordon Brown then said:

So not only is Britain’s current Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, a towering intellectual genius, a competent and decisive decision-maker who does no balk at making the vital decisions necessary for him to remain in position in order to save the world, he is also a sex god, economic whiz-kid and - as history will confirm – Britain’s greatest ever prime minister.

So, it must fall to me – as the representative of the British people to offer Gordon Brown our sincere and humble apologies for not realising what a great man, wonderful prime minister, superstud and economic genius he really is.

I think we – the British people – should now all prostrate ourselves in front of him and beg his forgiveness, begging him to continue his wise and benevolent leadership of this country as he takes it out of this terrible recession – caused by the Americans – into the Brave New World he envisions for its future.

Furthermore, I think I speak for all the British people when I beg Gordon Brown not to bother with the mere formality of holding an election when we all know deep down he is the only man in the country, if not the world, capable of running this great nation.

Thank you, and don’t bother pestering me with your idiotic and puerile questions.

Good night.