Stop That, Right Now! (Whatever It Is)

[Oi! I’ve got my eye on you]

The UK government this morning announced that: It knows what you are thinking and: It doesn’t like it. So you are to stop thinking it immediately! The UK government in its benign benevolence that, as well as banning everything you like to do from smoking and drinking through having unkind thoughts about other people right down to taking a stroll in the countryside without a hard hat, high-visibility tabard and a safety line. As one government minister put it recently: ‘There is a danger that if people are allowed to think what they want then the only result will be chaos’.
The government feels that it has not gone to all this trouble to monitor, control and regulate your every waking moment, only for you to evade becoming a model citizen by thinking unauthorized thoughts, especially about the wise and courageous leadership of the Great Dicta our humble Prime Mental Minister Gordon Brown, the saviour of our nation and the world. Consequently they fully intend to keep a record of every phone call, email and internet click made by person in the country (except those in the Inner Party (or their spouses) who need to undertake in-depth studies of the current state of internet pornography as an essential part of their government work, of course).
Unfortunately, the government’s plans to keep the DNA of every person arrested but later proved innocent for an indefinite period was declared unfair by the European Court of Human Rights. So now the government has announced plans to keep the DNA of innocent people for only six years instead.
A government spokeswoman said:

We believe that six years will give us enough time to find something that you are guilty of, or - if all else fails - it will give us enough time to make up a new law to make whatever it was you were doing the first time you were nicked against the law too.

Also, in order to make the population more compliant, the government has announced that schools will be forced to provide annual reports about children’s behaviour, claiming that such reports will be useful for parents. However, the real purpose will be to get the populace used to being observed and reported on from as young an age as possible, so any notion of an individual having anything of a private life that is not available to constant government scrutiny at all times will simply not occur to people.
Other news: There have been reports of some kind of underground disturbance in the churchyard of the All-Saints church in Sutton Courtenay in Oxfordshire, which experts say is consistent with something underground spinning rapidly in place. The disturbance has been further narrowed down to the vicinity of the grave of one Eric Arthur Blair, who found fame under the pen name George Orwell.