Warning: Police Chiefs May Quit

The head of TCPODNM (The Chief Police Officers who are Definitely Not Masons) warned last night that Tory plans to force the police to do what they are supposed to do, and actually catch criminals, may force some senior officers to resign (if only for gross incompetence).

[Mind How You Go]

Sir Hugh G. Odour said:

We’ve spent several years and a huge amount of money turning the police into the paramilitary wing of the social services. Frankly, we have far too many diversity awareness courses to attend to spare the time to actually go out on the streets any more.

Nowadays, as well, we have an enormous amount of forms to fill in and a great many pretty coloured graphs to send out in press releases which keep us at our desks in the stations all day. Frankly we haven’t time to go out catching criminals, especially when it is easier to wait for them to come to us.

Modern policing has very little to do with merely catching the criminals anyway. We have to make sure that no member of the public has – in anyway – infringed the human rights of the alleged ‘criminal’, which is – in itself - the sort of outdated concept these Tory plans would have us return to, as if it were still the Dark Ages. Then there all the diversity guidelines we need to check up on, such as could giving chase to someone suspected of an offence be construed as racist, or sexist, or cause the outbreak of undue unsightly sweat patches on our officer’s uniforms. Then there all are the necessary guidelines that all serving police officers must consult before even thinking of filling in a handcuff usage from (in triplicate).

Quite simply, all these considerations are far too complex for mere civilian to understand and deal with, especially when they don’t have a nice uniform like mine.

A spokesman for the Conservative party said:

This country desperately needs the police forces of this country to be put under the control of some political-appointed placeman that the public can be conned into voting for. Otherwise, how else are we going to be able to prevent the police from investigating the possibility of MPs breaking the law - possibly over their expenses, for example - in the future?

The police of this country have to be made aware that we in public life are all riding the same gravy train and the police chiefs must be made to realise they mustn’t do anything to upset it, even if that does mean that in the future one or two of them may have to go outside and catch a criminal every now and then.

The Conservative party spokesman then went on to say that a delegation from the party would be meeting with all the UK’s senior police officers soon, in order to demonstrate that they do indeed know the secret handshake, and that – consequently – the senior officers will have nothing to fear in the new regime.