Superhero

Hopscotch Chainsaw was that kind of man. If there was ever a top-ten list of the best of that kind of man, then Chainsaw would be - easily - in the top five (at least) of any such list, of this he was certain.

He had the honed athletic body of the fully-trained professional darts-player, allied to the keen-eye of the underpaid and resentful private security guard, and his mental agility was easily on a par with any tabloid-reading couch potato.

In short, Hopscotch Chainsaw was probably the finest example of modern manhood on these shores.

Humankind, therefore, was very fortunate indeed when he decided that the world needed saving and that he, Hopscotch, was just the man to save it.

He decided to become a superhero, but not one in one of those rather poofy costumes.

He also decided he would need a superhero name like Spiderman, Superman, Batman, Tony Blair. After a few days of struggling with the - to him - rather alien concept of thought, he decided he would, from that moment on, be known as Ordinary Bloke - Crime Fighter Extraordinaire. He would fight for justice. He would right wrongs. He would strike fear into the heart of every villain. He would reform the political process. He would get the girl, he would… probably do other heroic stuff… if and when he could think of some.

But, in the meantime, there was still some television he needed to watch and his takeaway pizza would be delivered any time now.