Parents Not Being Made Paranoid Enough, Warns Charity

Another pressure group has announced that people are not being given enough contradictory advice about their lifestyles to cause sufficient amounts of unnecessary panic, or even the vital levels of doubt, worry and concern that leaves them cowed and bewildered, and therefore much easier to govern.

‘Parents are not being made paranoid enough by the amount of advice then are being given by pressure groups, charities, fake charities and even the government itself….’ the charity’s press release said.

For example today we are telling parents that their children need to take far more exercise because of the danger of obesity in later life. Whereas, sometime in the next few days one of our sister bodies will issue a severe warning about the dangers of letting children go outside because of the serious risk of them coming into contact with paedophiles, getting involved, even as an innocent bystander, in turf warfare between the various drug gangs, as well as the ever present danger of being shot, stabbed or beaten to death by any rival teenage gang they may meet.

As well as warning of the dangers of children playing too many computer games, these pressure groups have also warned of the dangers children face from social networks, warning that children shouldn’t socialise on the computer because of the dangers of paedophile grooming and so forth. Meanwhile, other groups warn parents not to let their children meet others on the street because of the problems caused by teenage gangs, where any grouping of more than two is a gang ready to cause mayhem, but two teenagers or less are muggers ready to stab you for drug money.

The government is, of course, also deeply involved in this area, making sure it too sends out as many contradictory messages to parents as possible. A spokeswoman for the education department said:

We believe we here in the education department are doing more than our fair share of driving parents towards a mental breakdown. We tell them that it is vital their children get a good education, and that little Gucci or Huddersfield won’t even get a job cleaning the toilets at MacDonald’s without a degree. Then we make it impossible for them to get their kids into a decent school, when they, eventually, do we make sure the school is filled with its quota of grunting knuckle-draggers who only ever wander into the school looking for the secret of fire and a nice tender teacher to gnaw on. Then we make sure they can’t get into university by giving every pupil A* A-Levels, insisting that 50% of school leavers get a degree and then make the universities only offer Mickey Mouse degrees in Swimming Pool studies and so forth, and then – just to twist the knife a bit – force the universities to cut the number of courses they offer, right at the last minute.

When asked why the government and its horde of minio quangos seem to deliberately go out of the way to screw people’s lives up, the Dark Lord of Foy replied:

Isn’t it obvious dear heart? It’s quite simply revenge. All of us in politics, and who populate these quangos and fake charities, we were the poor kids all these people used to bully and torment when we were young. That’s why we go into politics and public life – to get our own back. That’s all.

[A meeting of senior UK government Ministers (L-R: The Dark Lord of Foy, Jack Straw, Gordon Brown, David Miliband)]