The Birth Of The Prophet Nhigel (MHPDM)

Not surprisingly there are many similarities between the Uttabollux account of the birth of the Prophet Nhigel (May His Plums Dangle Mightily) and the birth of the god (or gods) of many other religions, especially those that were the Uttabollux religion’s immediate precursors. Whether this is down to a lack of imagination, some sense of theological economising, or merely a cynical attempt to procure existent rituals, ceremonies and calendar dates to enable the new religion to make a successful takeover bid is still a matter of some theological debate, especially when the bar is closed.

However, the story of how Stan the plumber and his heavily pregnant wife, the Virgin* Paula, rode into the city centre that midwinter night on a motor scooter is well known, as is their unsuccessful attempt to find a room for the night at any of the town’s many hotels and motels, as there was a European Cup (as it then was) semi-final fixture that very night at the City team’s home stadium.

The young couple were also refused entry to the city’s many late-night clubs as the doormen were suspicious of the pregnant Paula, believing that if she gave birth on the premises then the unborn child would have gained entry without paying, thus violating one of the doorkeeper’s most solemn oaths, to keep out those that do not pay, or commit the heinous heresy of not attiring themselves in the most Holy smart casual robes in readiness for the rites of ‘going on the pull’.

Eventually, though, Stan the plumber and the virgin Paula found a late night kebab shop that was still open, bathed in the orange glow of the only streetlight still working on the High Street.

When the staff of the kebab shop saw that Paula was about to give birth they cleared a space and – eventually – with much encouragement from Stan, the kebab shop staff and a few customers who hung around to film the event on their mobile phones, Nhigel was born on the counter of the kebab shop. This is why, theological scholars maintain, the late-night kebab has become the Holy ritual food of the Uttabolluxers, and is always consumed after a long night’s pilgrimage around the town’s pubs and clubs.

Not long after Nhigel was born some policemen, who had been shepherding the football fans away from City’s stadium, after the end of the European Cup match, were suddenly overcome with a mystic urge to visit the kebab shop, where they partook of the Holy kebabs before suddenly falling to their knees as one to praise the most Holy Nhigel (MHPDM).

A short while later the three wise men who made up the pub quiz team from the pub just up the road, followed the light from the one remaining working streetlight outside the kebab shop, bringing gifts for the newborn baby, one brought a pint of lager, another a bottle of vodka, but the other could only find a bottle of Baileys.

After thanking the three wise men for the gifts… and the Baileys, Nhigel’s Mother, Paula, feeling exhausted, wandered off to sleep in a cardboard box at the off to sleep in a discarded cardboard box at the back of the kebab shop. This is why many theological scholars now believe is the reason why Uttabollux women have to spend their whole lives in a cardboard box, in order to try to achieve a state of holiness as close as they can to the most Holy Prophet’s mother.

 

*Paula the Virgin. She was what was classed as a virgin in her home town because she was actually married to Stan when she gave birth to Nhigel (MHPDM).