Home Secretary Resigns

Yesterday the Home Secretary, Jacqui Smith, took time off from filling out her latest expense claims to say that she would stand down from her ministerial position at the next cabinet reshuffle.

‘Obviously,’ she said. ‘I have been forced out from my position by the media because I am incompetent and dishonest. Ever since Gordon Brown took over his rightful place as Prime Minister, he has done his utmost to end this hideous institutional prejudice against the useless.’

As a serial inadequate himself, Gordon Brown has made a point of promoting the pathetically incompetent to positions of power in the government way beyond what little abilities they possess. Some cynics have said that he has done this merely to strengthen his own position by showing how useless all the other members of the government are, even compared to him. However, others do seem to believe that Gordon Brown does seriously think that the useless and incompetent deserve to be allowed their chance to attain positions of power and influence. Supporters of this view point to the banking regulations Brown introduced when he was chancellor as proof that he was serious about letting the useless and incompetent even have a go at running the UK’s banks.

‘While he was chancellor, it did seem to the casual observer to be a great success,’ said an economics journalist. ‘The bankers seemed to be making shedloads of money without any of them having any real clue about what they were doing. But as soon as the credit system went tits-up, they were revealed for the hopeless bunch of bankers they really are.’

‘It is a shame that I’m far too hopeless to carry on a minute longer,’ said the Home Secretary. ‘I had hoped to stay to finish our plan to make Great Britain the most modern, up-to-date, repressive regime in the world, and to continue with our project to make everything that people like to do illegal.’

Harriet Harman was quick to heap praise on Ms Smith, saying: ‘We must all thank Gordon Brown for making Jacqui Smith the first female Home Secretary. It was a great step forward for feminism, proving, once and for all, that women can be just as useless, incompetent, mendacious and venal as men.’

With his leaked plan to bring Ed Balls into the post of Chancellor, Many observers believe Gordon Brown is still determined to promote the incompetent and useless to the highest offices of the government, despite all the recent setbacks to the policy.

This policy of bringing increasing numbers of incompetent loons into government really took off under the premiership of Tony Blair, especially in the post of Home Secretary, where Blair tried out a selection of hopeless twats for that position, with each one seemingly more pathetically out of their depth than the previous incumbent. In response, the Conservative Party has seemingly reverted to its traditional policy of scouring the public schools, such as Eton, to repopulate its parliamentary benches with a wide selection of Upper-Class twits such as Cameron, Osborne and so on.

[Above: Conservative Party Front Bench Selection Procedure]

However, some commentators believe the policy may have backfired when the old Etonian, Boris Johnson, ended up as Mayor of London and has – contrary to most political pundit’s expectations– not entirely buggered it all up… yet.

However, there are some who dispute the Home Secretary’s claim that the UK has an institutional prejudice against the inadequate and hopeless.

‘To claim that there is institutional prejudice against the incompetent in this country is just sheer nonsense,’ said a leading academic. ‘By way of example, just look at or so-called leading sportspeople and all our national sports teams. For that matter, just look at the massive incompetence on display in any national infrastructure project. If anything, this country could possibly be a world leader, just behind the USA, in the sheer amount of top-level incompetence it produces.’