Photographs on Request

So, anyway, there was this reindeer and I had the stomach pump… well, I don't have to draw you a picture, do I? Although, I will provide photographs on request - but to fully certified and accredited professional Badger-Perplexers only, of course.

She was there too, of course. She was wearing the nothing she always wears so well and performing a full manicure on the wildebeest as it waited for the traffic lights to change.

I - it goes without saying - never mentioned the car park. I remember, only too well, what happened the last time. I still have the ketchup stain on my ukulele and all over my ceremonial waistcoat, and the cat cannot - still - bear to be in the same room as any form of smoked fish - let alone kippers.

Oh, it was all so much easier back in the old days. We laughed, we sang, we danced, we invaded small under-developed countries. We captured and then sold all their nubile womenfolk into slavery in the domestic handicraft industry where they were forced to make amateurish pottery to sell to gullible tourists. Of course, back then, none of us had ever heard of the concept of human rights, or even had any awareness of the dangers of spatula misuse. Innocent times, but still - occasionally - I sometimes miss the terrible mindless cruelty towards my fellow man.