One Of The Strangest Incidents Of The Last Decade

Napalm Cheeseguttering has now become famous mainly through one of the strangest incidents of the last decade, at a time when mere fame became the lot of anyone un-self-aware enough to enter, with an eagerness often in direct inverse proportion to any discernable talent or ability, the increasing number of talent and ‘reality’ shows that seemed to infest the TV schedules like acne on the face of a teenager and to much the same aesthetic effect.

At the time of the incident, Cheeseguttering was the lyricist, lead vocalist and bass player in Goat Knee Designator (formerly: Spunk It Up The Wall) yet another run-of-the-mill rock band. Rock music, despite being terminally moribund and about as musically exciting as an undertaker’s End-of-Year balance sheet, was still the main way that teenagers (of all ages) felt was something worth at least pretending to like. And for teenage boys especially it was still seen as the best way of getting to see, and – on occasions - actually touch what girls keep inside their underwear, without having to go through the horror and trauma of having to talk to them.

Anyway, one day in early May 2006 Cheeseguttering was walking down the High street in the small suburban town of Burnwitchburn, carrying his bass in a guitar bag and contemplating whether to go to the chip shop or the Chinese takeaway, when he saw her.

Without a moment’s pause, Cheeseguttering did what any teenager in a rock band does when suddenly confronted by a beautiful woman, he wrote a song about her. She’s Got Tits Like A Dead Heat In A Zeppelin Race, of course became that year’s most played single, topping the charts for 13 months and entering the record books as the song most requested on Valentine’s night for the next six years in a row.

It seemed then that Goat Knee Designator, and – of course - Napalm Cheeseguttering himself, could only go on from there to become one of the greatest rock sensations of all time. However, Cheeseguttering had a terrible secret in that he was quite interested in maths, and quadratic equations in particular. He also had a deep interest in, and understanding of, science and the world around him with more than a glib, superficial understanding of the way it worked and the political processes involved.

Of course, when the established rock stars found out about this, they knew they would have to act fast. Realising the danger to their own positions of someone becoming a famous rock star and then engaging in the mandatory pontificating about science, the world and politics that such a position entails, whilst actually knowing something about what he was talking about was a danger to the positions of all of them. Consequently, they decided that Cheeseguttering would have to be stopped.

Consequently, since that day Napalm Cheeseguttering was invited to collaborate on the writing of a charity single by some of the biggest names in pop music he has never been seen again, not since that day Sting, Bonio and Bob Geldof were seen, each clutching a baseball bat, leading him into a soundproof rehearsal room at a secluded Nevada desert recording studio.