Moral Panics and Custard

Now then… put down the spoon and back slowly away from the custard. There is still a chance we can get out of this without any of that tedious bickering about photographs and the exact definition of what is or isn’t blackmail. It is true that – of late – many notable public figures, such as yourself, have been found in compromising positions with a dish of apple crumble, a lady of negotiable virtue and a jug of warm custard by certain sections of the media. Many careers, as a consequence, have been ruined.

Not only that, only last week seven part-time lollipop ladies had to be dismissed by Grimsby local council after being caught with some rhubarb tart, some young gigolos and a large container of instant custard in a toolshed just off the ring road.

Of course, such events have only seemingly increased the hysteria about the current moral panic of people of a certain age and older having such easy access to warm custard and the deleterious affect such moral laxity by the elders of society is having on everyone else. There have been, of course, many strident calls to think of the children, and what consequences will - undoubtedly - follow from seeing many people – some in positions of power and authority – like those lollipop ladies – brought low by their addiction to custard and puddings of questionable probity.

Questions have been – quite rightly – asked in parliament. Unfortunately, it now seems that the main question being asked most often in that particular place of total mendacious self-interest has been ‘would you like more custard with that?’