Health and Safety Executive Issues Warning

After the recent earthquake and tsunami in Japan the UK Health and Safety Executive has issued its strongest-ever warning, saying:

We strongly advisee people to no longer visit the outside world as it is far too dangerous. We recommend instead that people stay indoors.

An emergency investigation set up by the HSE since the quake in Japan has concluded that the world outside our doors is far too dangerous for people to enter, at least until several safety measures have been instigated.

As a HSE spokesbeing said:

The world is really a very dangerous place, from absolute tragedies like earthquakes, conflagrations, volcanic eruptions, floods and so on right down to icy pavements in the winter, or if the rain has made them a bit slippy.

Obviously, such a situation is unacceptable in these safety-conscious days, which is why we have issued the guidelines informing people to stay indoors.

When asked what they were going to do about this unacceptably dangerous situation, the HSE issued the following statement:

After making some enquires the HSE were informed that these so-called natural disasters were actually ‘Acts of God’.

In order to investigate these claims officers from the HSE visited the last-known address of this being, only to find he wasn’t there. Further enquiries revealed that no-one there had seen this so-called ‘God’ for several millennia, although there was one there who claimed to speak to this ‘God’ on a regular basis. Further investigations however revealed that this person was – in fact - just a loony and was excluded from our investigation.

Further investigations by HSE staff revealed that there was no trace whatsoever of this God anywhere, and the things passed off as ‘His Works’ had other far more credible explanations. In the end, this God was himself eliminated from our enquiries.

Consequently, acting on a tip-off, we tried to visit Mother Nature, but she claimed too be sick in bed with a really high temperature and wouldn’t let us in.

So the only alternative we have is to tell everyone to wait indoors until nature evolves some warning signs and a number of pretty strong safety fences around itself, before we can confidently tell people it is now safe to go outside again.

Therefore, the HSE wishes to repeat our advice to the people of the UK:

Remember – Stay Indoors….

And don’t touch anything!