Healthy Eating Guidelines

So, what comes and what goes and just why does your pet local authority Spanner Awareness Co-ordinator have that rather curious obsession with cardigans? I wish I knew why all the okapis dance – in formation – down the High Street exactly 17 minutes past closing time every third Tuesday of the month, but that is the wonder of the natural world, always full of surprises and mysteries… like your mother for instance and that… that thing she does with her cardigan.

Sometimes, just sometimes, I wish I could get up in the morning and awake into a word free of the dread inanities of politicians and all those other interfering busybodies. Those who seem to only get sexually aroused and intellectually(sic)-inspired by wanting to tell the rest of us how to live our lives, and just how many portions of vegetables, and what number of alcoholic drinks constitute their notion of the good life.

All those religions, all those philosophies, all those artists, poets and musicians all searching – usually – in vain – for what it is that gives life its meaning. Yet not a single one of them ever seemed to realise that it all – in the end – boils down to five portions of fruit and vegetables a day and limiting your intake of alcohol to the right number of units. Oh, if only he’d known, Shakespeare, for example, needn’t have bothered with all those plays, just having to produce a Healthy Eating Guidelines pamphlet instead.