The Dai Vinci Cold

This weekend sees the worldwide theatrical premiere of this year's most eagerly awaited film - the brand new feature film from Hollywood Historical Pictures, starring Mammary Preponderance and Gravelly Chinstubble, based on the bestselling The Dai Vinci Cold by Don Greene.

The book is a modern publishing phenomenon, selling nearly 12 copies in Droitwich alone.

The Dai Vinci Cold, for those many who couldn't be arsed to read it, concerns the famous painting by the Welsh/Italian Old Master, Dai Vinci - The Last Kebab - depicting the famous incident where The Holy Prophet Nhigel (May his plums dangle mightily) and His Mates are eating the fabled Last Kebabs.

According to the Uttabollux Holy Book, The Ladhifeah, after eating this kebab Nhigel rushed into the toilet and disappeared. Although, sceptics say he disappeared from the (very sketchy) historical record completely after that, the Uttabolluxers claim that Nhigel reappeared to His Mates three days later, looking pale, weak and gaunt, and - after showing his sceptical Mate, Stan, the vomit stains from the dodgy kebab - ascended to heaven in the company of a host of angels.

However, according to Greene's book, Nhigel didn't die at all; instead, he disappeared to avoid paying his outstanding slate down at his local pub. Then - according to Greene - Nhigel married a local girl, known only to historians as Doris the Slapper, eventually moving to somewhere near Pwllheli in Wales, where they raised several children, while Nhigel lived out the rest of his life, eking out a living by hiring out deckchairs to the pre-medieval holidaymakers.

The novel The Dai Vinci Cold therefore claims that the famous blurred patch on Dai Vinci's painting is not - as the Uttabollux theological scholars and historians have always maintained - where the artist sneezed over his painting when he had a bad cold after catching a chill from painting outdoors in the heavy rain of a typical Welsh summer. In fact, Greene maintains - the smudge is an area deliberately obscured on the orders of the then Hibossmahn Dhaftghit (High priest) of the Uttabollux religion - in order to completely obscure Dai Vinci's portrayal of Doris The Slapper sitting on Nhigel's lap, sharing his kebab.

Such a scene would be heretical to any true Uttabollux believer, for not only is Doris not in her cardboard box, but it is also taboo for any Uttabollux woman to watch men, not of her immediate family, masticating.

The Dai Vinci Cold novel - and now, film - shows our hero, Professor Hans Alloverher and his improbably sexy librarian assistant, Mindy Mellowthighs, rushing around such glamorous locations as Tipton, Hull and Carlisle. At each location, they unravel the clues left by the intervening generations of the secret society - The Blokes Down The Pub - who keep the descendents of Nhigel and Doris safe from the fundamentalist Uttabolluxers (The very secretive Opless Diks sect) who have sworn to eradicate all traces of the Nhigel and Doris heresy.

The book, and now the film, have both been roundly condemned by leading Uttabollux scholars as being a travesty of the facts and a complete distortion of their religion that comes close to blasphemy - punishable by death according to the holy tenets laid down in the Uttabollux holy law - The Maidupstuff.

Nohbrahin Re-Actshunahri, the current Hibossmahn Dhaftghit, says that all the claims made in The Dai Vinci Cold are heinous blasphemous lies that deliberately make the Uttabollux religion look bad. He also said, "And consequently the author, Don Greene, as well as all those in his publishing company, the film director, actors and everyone else involved in the making of the film and/or the book should beg and plead for mercy in the name of a kind holy and compassionate Skhighhibhoss (May his plums dangle mightily). Then they should volunteer themselves to be stoned to death in order for them all to see the error of their ways."