Crucifixes Found Offensive

A being who claims to be God, yesterday complained about what he called ‘the deeply offensive behaviour of the ‘so-called Christian religion.’

Speaking from his retirement bungalow, just outside Bournemouth, He said:

How would you feel constantly seeing people parading about with images of your only son being tortured to death hanging around their necks? Insensitive isn’t the word for it. I’ve tried keeping quiet about it, hoping they’d notice my disapproving silence, and in the hope they’d realise just how deeply upsetting it is, not only to me and the wife, but to the boy himself. As far as I can tell though, not one of them has paid a blind bit of attention to me, as usual. Bloody typical.

Now, though, with everybody else complaining about how unfair and offensive everything is, I thought I’d have my say too. I mean, it’s had quite an effect on the boy. He used to be quite a cocky lad, walking on the water, raising the dead, that thing with the loaves and fishes and all that. Well… yes, I mean he was showing off a bit, but if the son of God can’t do a few party tricks to impress his mates and show off to the girls, well, who can, eh?

But now, I mean he’s just spent the last few millennia sulking in his bedroom, listening to Cliff Richard records and moaning about those holes in his hands and how the girls won’t fancy him any more. Unhealthy I call it.

After all, he did promise his mates he’d pop back sometime, have a few beers with the lads and that bird he used to fancy, see how they were all doing and that. But the poor lad daren’t show his face back down there in case they decide to do it to him all over again.

The wife’s talking about compensation, so maybe we ought to get the lawyers involved. I mean – after all – the churches don’t seem short of a few bob, do they? To be fair though, it’s not really about the money. When alls said and done, I used to have high hopes for the boy, but now he seems to have lost all his confidence through the unthinking arrogance of these people who have the temerity to claim they look up to the boy whilst mostly going around doing the exact opposite of all he said.

Asked why he’d waited until now to make his views known, God said:

Well, that’s the problem with immortality. I just nipped off down the shops with the wife, then came back and had a cup of tea. I suppose I must have dozed off in front of the telly for a few centuries too, because when I woke up a millennium or two had slipped by. Then I had to find my glasses and my keys and… well, y’know….

I did have a PR company a while back, but they made such a balls up of it – tablets of stone and burning bushes…. I mean come on… I ask you, just who would fall for tacky gimmicks like that, eh?

So, now I’m getting the boy to put me up on Facebook, if he can stop sulking about whether the girls will fancy a boy with holes in his feet long enough for him to get around to it. I’m thinking about getting myself up on Twitter too. If I can get myself a few followers, I can tell them what I really think, not what those so-called ‘religions’ say I think. Not that they should pay attention to an old geezer like me anyway, that Richard Dawkins bloke knows far more about it than I ever did. I did think that once humanity had got the hang of this scientific method I could go and have myself a nice quiet retirement, out of the public eye. But, even now, people keep on dragging me back into all sorts of arguments that ought to have been settled ages ago, and claiming all sorts of things in my name without even bothering to find out what I really think….

Ah, well….

Anyway… thanks for listening. Bye.