TV Licence Fee To Be Shared

Last night, Gordon Brown, the current Prime Minister, announced that in future the BBC could be made to share part of the TV licence fee with some of its commercial rivals.

The PM said:

Many executives within commercial television are in danger of losing their jobs. These people are –as with most in the sector – in the main arts and media studies graduates who like to see themselves as part of the trendy left ‘intelligentsia’, mainly because they get to hang around with the media luvvies who they sometimes allow to make programmes. Naturally, as these people are a part of the new tribal Labour voters we must do all we can to bribe encourage them into exercising their democratic rights. We in the Labour party are therefore committed to keeping the kind of people who vote for us in their jobs, with massive bailouts of public money, if necessary.

The PM made it clear that the money will be used to – in the main – keep the media executives in the kind of luxury they are used to, as long as they commission several programmes about what would happen to essential services like the NHS and Education under a ‘Tory cuts’ regime. The PM reminded many of the media executives in the audience at his speech, that, in the past, many in the Conservative party had called for the licence fee to be abolished, and that they should remember that when considering any future in-depth TV documentary exposés.

The PM also announced a ‘commitment to establishing a universal broadband service for every home and business by 2012’, saying:

Also, in order to try and drum up some support for the Labour party from the work-shy chavs we’ve been lavishing loads of money and support on, with very little in the way of reciprocation at the ballot box, we are going to have one last try to get them to vote for us.

Consequently, we are going to introduce universal broadband, so the hard-lounging couch potatoes of this land can have all the porn I the world piped to their home computers at a very respectable speed. All we ask is that when they are having a quick one off the wrist to Sasha Grey’s latest magnum opus, they remember which other bunch of wankers made it possible for them to be able to do it, and mark their ballot papers accordingly. Hopefully, remembering to wash their hands first, of course.

The Pm also expressed concern about the amount of so-called ‘illegal downloading’ that takes place on the internet. Mr Brown concluded his speech with the following:

Naturally, with this government’s massive list of splendid IT successes, the film and music industries have looked to us to bring to an end the illegal downloading which these industries lack the imagination to counteract on their own. After seeing the figures the media industries have made up about the scale of their imaginary losses we have promised to do all we can to enable them to continue supporting this Labour government – quite possibly through the use of illegal subliminal adverts in their products urging people to vote Labour.

In return, this Labour government has promised to imprison every single person who sends a file of any kind from one computer to another. We believe that not only will this end the alleged scourge of illegal downloading, it will also free up massive amounts of bandwidth to enable us to feed all my vital YouTube appearances directly to every voter in the country in record time.