The Frontiers Of Science

Now even the people most unaware of breakthroughs in modern science are growing familiar with the name of Slingback Mesopotamia, the inventor of so-called Universal Cheese Theory, the revolutionary idea that the universe is in fact made mainly of cheese.

‘I first got the idea,’ she said, in an interview with The Rope, ‘whilst studying Aardman’s thesis put forward in their seminal study A Grand Day Out with Wallace and Gromit, where they postulate that the moon is made from cheese.’

‘Of course,’ Mesopotamia added, ‘Most scientists immediately dismissed the theory. I must admit I did too. Because as we all know, such a cheese-centred universe not only contradicts Newton’s gravitational theories, it also falls foul of Einstein’s General Theory of Relativity, as any geometric property of space-time such as gravity would tend to play havoc with several of the softer cheeses.’

However, Mesopotamia argues, something does change if astronomers alter a few of the equations that predict the size of the universe to take more account of the ‘yellow shift’ of the universe that would occur if most of the mass in the observable universe were, in fact cheese. Then, the problem of ‘dark matter’ the hidden or lost mass in the universe that has plagued theoretical accounts of the universe would simply disappear, especially if most of the cheese in the universe is, as Mesopotamia contends, Stilton.

 

Some, mainly Swiss scientists contend that Emmental would maker more sense as the elementary cheese of the universe as it contains hole-like structures within itself that could make black holes possible. However, Mesopotamia contends that black holes occur when part of the cheese universe goes through what she calls ‘the cracker-event horizon’, a yet unexplained phenomenon where the fundamental cheese of the universe seems to disappear into a gaping void that suddenly tears the fabric of the universe apart and seems to swallow it up.

Universal Cheese Theory does, however, explain the formation of stars and – obviously – their yellowness, as demonstrated by our own sun. As Mesopotamia also explains the fading of stars as they grow old, from the bright yellow main sequence on down through the various later stages of a star’s life, shows how they lose their original cheesiness as the cheese particles radiate out from the star into the universe. ‘This fundamental cheesiness of everything can explain a lot,’ Mesopotamia contends, ‘especially the way things tend to smell of cheese when they decay.’

Mesopotamia believes her theory will be vindicated if the Large Cheese Collider at Gruyere in Switzerland can detect the Limburger boson when it is switched on later this year. Then the LCC will begin its long-term project of smashing cheeses together at close to the speed of light in under to understand more about the make up of fundamental cheese particles such as curds and whey as described in quantum cheese theory.