Gordon Brown To Reform British Politics

Yesterday the PM, Gordon Brown, admitted that British politics is in a mess and he came up with what he regards as a solution to these problems.

Mr Brown claimed that his Presbyterian conscience had led him to believe that there should be one, and only one, strong God-like figure that everyone else in the country should worship and obey without question. As the PM pointed out, he has already saved the world from the worst of the financial crisis, so it stands to reason that he must be such a god-like figure, therefore he should remain as PM, at least until the presidency of the world becomes available.

The PM also said it was therefore obvious there should be no false gods, and as opposition parties only promote blasphemy against the one true Gordon, which only confused people. Therefore, he said, all the other political parties would need eradicating.

‘So, from now on, there will be no need for the opposition parties,’ he said, laying out plans to make all other political parties illegal. 'Consequently, as there will be no more political parties, any further elections would be a complete waste of time and money, so I’ve decided they will no longer be necessary.'

Gordon Brown also pointed out that he would end MP expenses scams at a stroke because MPs are also no longer necessary. For, as the PM is now omnipotent, he can do everything that those MPs would have done, on his own and without claiming a penny of expenses for it.

‘Not only that,’ he added. ‘There is now no real need for the rest of the cabinet, as they are all a useless bunch of tossers, as we all now know.’ Mr Brown then claimed he could easily do all their jobs in his spare time, even while saving the planet (again).

Being as the PM is now all-wise and all-knowing, he said: ‘It seems a waste to let people spend their own money, especially as I, the all-wise Gordon, knows they only waste their money on things they do not really need. So I will set income tax at 98.5% and I – personally – will decide what each and every person in the country really needs and buy it for them.’

Mt Brown then faced the assembled political journalists and said: ‘Obviously, there will no be no questions as I’ve already thought of anything you could possibly ask me and decided it would just be a waste of my massive intellect to even consider answering it. Good-bye.’