New Directions In Social Media

In response to the burgeoning number of social media sites and applications on the web, today SodOffMedia present GetOutOfMyFaceSpace. This is the new anti-social media site where you can tell anyone who tries to befriend you to Bugger Off And Mind Their Own Bloody Business! In addition, the site will show people what you are doing without the facility for them to add any smart-arsed or sarky comments about it.

In beta, at the moment, is a add-on facility for GetOutOfMyFaceSpace, which will give each user a chance to Photoshop all their (ex-)friends in their photos, adding excess weight, skin diseases and other grossly offensive distortions of the human form to the photographs before then republishing them with optional derogatory comments attached.

Also still in beta is a self-generating Events Diary. This tells the world about all the exciting parties, drug and drink binges, hot clubs, swinger orgies and flower-arranging classes you have purportedly attended in the last week, whilst in reality you were sitting there alone in front of your computer watching clown porn in your pants, whilst eating dry cornflakes straight from the packet.

Also about to be released is TwatOff, the micro-blogging update site where you can tell the world just how much you hate it and want it to leave you alone. Rather than waiting for you to update it, TwatOff, automatically generates random updates, in 140 characters and under, in order to save you the bother of telling the world which way you like to butter your toast and other such fascinating insights into your dreary existential stumble through your dull days.

TwatOff also adds random abuse to its messages, so that your ‘followers’ can believe that you have not forgotten all about them, despite you only adding them to you list because their fake avatar picture made them look vaguely fanciable.

TwatOff also has a semi-public message system so you can let the world know just exactly why you find a particular loser to be such an utter pain in the arse. Or, for more personal abuse, it enables you to privately insult someone, with the optional ability to included other members of their family who are also on TwatOff in your abusive tirade at the same time.

TwatOff also allows you to set an Obscurity Rating for the songs it pretends you are listening to, in order to impress people with the depth and breadth of your musical taste. The producers of TwatOff, IhAtEyOuAlL Inc, say that all the imaginary music tracks in TwatOff’s database have all been carefully checked and are guaranteed to be esoterically-correct so there is no danger of, say, Simply Red accidentally appearing in your playlist.

Many IT commentators have praised this new direction in (anti-)social media, with one, Nerdy Mousejockey, summing it all up ‘These new anti-social sites are really way cool. Now all us true computer nerds can all go back to our true natures of being weird anti-social loners, without having to face the daily trauma of trying to be interested in people we only vaguely know from their web profiles.’