Labour MPs – Another Secret Email Leaked

Yesterday, an email that has been secretly circulating amongst Labour MPs was leaked to The Rope. The email, similar to the one which calls on Gordon Brown to finally admit he is rubbish and to sod off now, calls on Labour MPs to finally own up and admit that Left-wing policies, ideas and even its very philosophical underpinnings just simply do not work.

The email states that:

It is now time for us all, as Labour MPs, to admit finally – as much to ourselves as the electorate – that the Left is now completely discredited and intellectually bankrupt.

We saw in the late 1970s that Left-wing economic ideas simply did not work, and even then it took us several years of struggle as a party for the majority of us to realise this, and then to build up the courage to drop most of our old economic nostrums.

Recently, there has been a growing realisation by some of us that Left-wing social policy does more harm than good too.

It is now time, therefore, for us to admit that always favouring equality over liberty is a big mistake as it just leads to increasingly draconian legislation that, in turn, leads to increasing hostility and distrust between the people and the state, which leads to even more draconian measures… and so on.

We’ve also found that increasing the size of the client state through the use of benefits and so forth, just leads to a population of state dependents who lose all their self-motivation. It doesn’t even seem to result in any reciprocal benefit to us as a Left-wing party either, as the benefits culture makes them too half-arsed to vote for us out of gratitude.

While some of us obviously don’t really care about this as long as we can keep on sucking at the state’s teat ourselves, it has become increasingly clear that the general population is beginning to wise up to just how badly we’ve screwed it all up. Even some of the dimmest amongst them are beginning to notice that several state-run institutions are on the point of collapse: the Police, the NHS, the armed forces, the justice system, education and so on.

Therefore, if we want to keep this cushy job and the expenses that go with it on serving our constituents, we will need to admit that it had all gone tits-up… yet again.

If we do wish to go on calling each other ‘honourable’ members without our irony meters overloading, then we have no choice but to all resign now.

The sudden appearance of this email has caused consternation in certain sections of the media with journalists at both the BBC and The Guardian working overtime to try to understand what the email actually says.

‘It must be written in some kind of code,’ said Polly Toynbee, the noted Guardian crackpot columnist. ‘I just can’t seem to make any sense of it All of us on the regres… I mean the ‘progressive’ side of politics, know that the state is the answer to everything.’

A BBC insider said:

If I understand this correctly, and it does indeed signal a collapse in left-wing thinking then it could be a massive disaster for the BBC. I mean, how can we continue to be so patronising in a glib condescending manner as we tell the people of Britain what they should be thinking? Indeed, if the Left does collapse where are we going to get our staff from? After all we are all from the liberal arts degree mainstream, all comfortable in our middle-class trendy-left conventional wisdom. If we start to introduce even more people who think for themselves, like that horrid Jeremy Clarkson [shudder] then where will it end?

From the other end of the political spectrum media opinion was not so confused. The Daily Mail’s political editor, Ranter Bilefoaming, said, ‘Oh No! This could be a disaster for us. What, with rapidly declining sales, we rely on the things like the outrageous lunacies of the left to create the headlines that make our readers apoplectic enough to keep on buying our newspaper, in order to feed their outrage and their conviction that the whole country has gone to the dogs.’

A senior Daily Telegraph columnist, Braindeath Berkshire-Hunt, said ‘Damned Bolsheviks! A good horsewhipping, that’s what they need. If I see one on my estate I’ll have my gamekeeper give him a damn good thrashing, what.’

However, Titsout Forthelads, a political columnist on the Sun said, ‘Frankly we don’t know what to say. Mr Murdoch hasn’t told us what we think yet.’