PM Still Refusing To Resign

Despite the recent resignations from the Cabinet, the British Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, has steadfastly refused to countenance his own resignation. As the crisis within the Labour party deepened, an unrepentant Gordon Brown said, in an exclusive interview with The Rope last night, ‘La la la la, I’m not listening.’ He then walked off back into 10 Downing Street, locking and bolting the door behind him.

‘We tried to talk him into quitting at the last cabinet meeting,’ said an exasperated Cabinet member, one of the two or three still remaining in the cabinet, ‘but he just sat there with his hands over his ears, singing traditional Scottish folk tunes to himself.’

A civil servant from the cabinet office said, ‘Mr Brown is going around Number 10 writing his name on everything, muttering, “It’s mine. It’s mine. It’s all mine and they’re not going to take it away from me.”’

It has long been known by many political commentators that, even in the days of Tony Blair’s premiership, Gordon Brown labelled all the food in the Downing Street fridge as his own.

Late last night, in a further development to the story, Mr Brown appeared at an upper story window in Number 10, while Nick Robinson, the BBC’s Political Editor was doing a live piece to camera. Gordon Brown opened the window and shouted down to Robison, ‘You can just piss off! I’m not leaving, not now, not ever!’ He then threw a mobile phone at Nick Robinson, which bounced off the reporter’s shoulder as the BBC crew ran for the Downing Street gates.

A constitutional expert admitted he was baffled. ‘Usually, a Prime Minister will know when the game is up. They still – despite being politicians – do seem to have a, admittedly somewhat hazy, connection to reality and do realise when they have run out of options. Consequently, there is no real constitutional way of removing a PM who just won’t go, short of Her Majesty the Queen going around there with the ceremonial Crown Crowbar and prying his fingers off the doorframe one by one. As you can imagine, that could possibly raise a few more constitutional questions than it answers, though. I think the best idea is to wait until Gordon Brown leaves Downing Street for some reason, and then nip in and change the locks while he’s out. It’s really our only option.’