Amplitude Wavelength, the former topless model, and star of the latest ‘celebrity’ reality TV show, Celebrities Wanking Farm Animals, yesterday announced that she was splitting with her long-time publicist, Max Headlines.
‘Max just isn’t getting me into the tabloids the way he used to,’ said a tearful Amplitude at a press conference yesterday as she manoeuvred her legendary cleavage for maximum photographic advantage. ’There was a time when I would be on the front pages two or three times a week. Now I’m lucky if he can get my story up and into the media at all. I think he may have found someone else.’
Max Headlines was adamant that there was no third person in the relationship:
With dear Amplitude’s hectic copy-producing lifestyle, I just don’t have time to represent anyone else. It’s true she isn’t getting into the papers as often as we’d both like, but there do have to be fallow periods every now and then, if only for me to get my breath back.
Max Headlines strongly denied that he had been producing media copy for the drug-troubled singer, Aimless Lighthouse, recently, saying ‘yes, we may have met a few times, socially, but I never got her any headlines, not once.’
‘It all seemed to be going so well,’ said Wavelength in an exclusive self-negotiated interview. ‘We, Max and I, decided that my celebrity story-arc needed a big event to counter Max’s sudden loss of column inches. So, we decided that it was time for my first big celebrity split and divorce from… er… whatshisname…. Y’know, short-arse… thinks he can sing…? Name always reminds you of that toilet paper…?’
Wavelength went on to say that her publicist had arranged her split from Pixie Charmi, ready for a tabloid exclusive when the couple got back together, later in the Summer, so that a TV series about their split and reconciliation would be ready just in time for the Autumn TV schedules.
However, Amplitude Wavelength, went on to say:
I’m thinking of moving up a league from a C list to a B list celebrity, and market research says I need a taller husband for that. So, I’m afraid I cannot get back with… y’know… thingy, despite what my former publicist had planned. Although, I have heard, through my US agent, that there is an American film star who is looking for a photogenic lesbian lover for the next stage of her celebrity profile arc. So, our agents are discussing whether it would work for both our demographics, or even if it would move us both into a whole new demographic without losing either one of us any core fan base.
Max Headlines, however, expressed reservations about Wavelength’s new ideas. He said:
Thing is, Wavelength is very big – as we know – amongst the more traditionally-minded audiences, those that like a footballer’s wife, or a hairdresser who makes it big on a talent show. They are not anti-gay as such, they do love an extremely camp homosexual, but I think lesbianism has still got a bit too dour an image – all dungarees and sensible shoes - for her established fan base to accept readily. Although, now could just be the time to shift that stereotype to a more marketable style. If anyone could do that, Amplitude Wavelength can. I wish her luck and I’m just too sad our relationship didn’t quite become as profitable as we’d both hoped. I just hope that her next publicist can give her the all headlines he can, she can be a very demanding woman in that respect.
No comments:
Post a Comment