So, anyway, there you were standing in the post office queue, holding a trout and singing what verses you could remember from the Elvis Presley version of Heartbreak Hotel in Flemish. I could not take you eyes off you, especially the way your subtly disguised your almost complete nakedness by wearing just the one, rainbow-striped knee-length sock, and a mitten.
It may well have been love at first sight, but these days I am no longer sure that such a thing exists, especially after the incident with the policewoman and the tin of corned beef in our local park.
I thought long – and hard – about what kind of conversational gambit would give you a good impression of me, display my charm, wit and sophistication in an erudite way that would – forever – impress this moment of our initial meeting on your mind.
So my ‘Hey there, sexy tits, bit cold for no knickers today, don’t you think?’ may not have quite struck all the right notes I was hoping for, but at least it was a conversation opener… at least, that’s what I’d hoped.
It is funny how long it takes to get the breath back after a sudden sharp knee to the groin. I always think that it is one of the mistakes of evolution to leave something as delicate as the testicles in such an exposed place, but then a sudden sharp knee to the groin does tend to put on off thoughts of continuing the species, at least for a while, so maybe evolution is on to something after all. However, that would not really help explain why – even after all these thousands of years of evolution - there are still so many twats around.
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