Stormy Weather Afoot

Prepare to sellotape your entire collection of semi-professional bewildered stoat auditors to the nearest telephone pole, my little slide-rule, for there is stormy weather afoot and you don’t want to be caught out in a gale in just your pink day-glo wellies and a sou’wester, like last time, do you? For there are times when it is best to be prepared for the worst, as it is always wise to check just who has rung your doorbell before you open it. That is, unless you wish to be caught by the door-to-door god-botherers, and have to spend nearly a minute of your precious time having to send them on their way by making sure they have you marked down in their little books as a godless heathen. Preferably, one who will be one of those they delight in seeing their god - in his infinite love and wisdom – send down to be tormented in eternal pain for all eternity in the very pits of hell, and can’t you just imagine the smiles they’ll greet all that with on their smug little tightly-pinched faces.

However, be that as it may, I do hope you will not find yourself caught in the incoming squalls. Despite your tendency to bang like a cellar door in a hurricane I know you do not like to be caught out in the unpleasant weather that this season almost invariably brings. It can be very unfortunate to be caught out when there is a nip in the air when one is as habitually underdressed for the prevailing weather conditions as you are wont to do.

I know I have often cautioned you about stepping out into the outside world without making sure you have enough ring-spanners for any eventuality that may befall you, but time and again it seems my entreaties have fell on deaf ears. However, I do see that these days – after the incident with the instant custard on the High street, you do carry a tin of mixed fruit cocktail with out on your excursions, so my time has not been entirely wasted, I feel.