Local Council Fraud Discovered

The soon to be disbanded Audit Commission has – rather co-incidentally – discovered a vast amount of fraud in the UK’s local councils.

As a spokeswoman for the commission said:

Typically someone comes along to your local council constituency claiming that if elected they will work tirelessly on behalf of local voters to improve the council services for that area. Normally though, once they have conned people into voting for them they then completely ignore those voters and rather than doing all they can to help their local constituents, these self-styled councillors seem to do all they can to bugger those people’s lives up. It covers everything from hopeless local schools that can’t teach local children how to walk on their hind legs or even the secret of fire, let alone rudimentary communication and mathematical skills, through to only ever emptying the bins once every full moon, and then only seemingly emptying them onto the pavement along the route taken by the refuse van, to fining and arresting local residents who have the outrageous temerity to take their dogs for a walk, feed the ducks on the village pond or in any way interfere with the council’s sacred duty to screw as much money out of local residents as they possibly can.

All of this points to a systematic fraud of local communities by these so-called local councils, who promise one thing while trying to get elected and – once they are elected – go about doing the exact opposite of what they were supposedly elected for. Not only that the Audit Commission also found that for a great deal of their time in office the elected officials are not actually in the local area at all, but off on what they like to call fact-finding missions.

As the Audit Commission spokeswoman added:

Local councillors also seem to defraud their constituents by getting their local council to pay for so-called ‘fact-finding missions’ where councillors take a trip to a foreign country in order – they claim – to see how local council services are provided in these - often highly-desirable tourist locations. Councillors will often go on a so-called fact-finding mission to a city that is – co-incidentally – home to at least three of the world’s top 200 filthiest brothels. This is where you can get a pair of teenagers to give you a full hot-oil overdubbing for the local currency equivalent of a can of Fanta and a packet of Pickled Onion Monster Munch, which they still have the egregious audacity to claim for on expenses.

Normally, in such cases we in the Audit Commission would recommend a full Public Inquiry into these fraudulent practices. However, being as this is our last ever report before the Commission is abolished we suggest simply that all such fraudulent local councillors should be hung from the nearest lamppost instead.